


The Way I Used to Be

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Dancer Magnus Bane, Depressed Magnus Bane, Detective Alec Lightwood, Drama, Drug Abuse, Hurt Magnus Bane, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood in Love, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Alec Lightwood, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-10-30 04:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20808221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: REAL LIFE AUIt was supposed to be one of the happiest days of their lives. Instead a horrible attack starts a nightmare and Magnus is left emotionally scarred. Will he ever be at least a ghost of the person he once was again? Will his relationship with Alec survive the ordeal?MALECTRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ABUSE





	1. The Nightmare Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo... This story-idea has been building up in my head for AGES. Today I finally found the courage to get started. (blushes)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Yeeeah, right... If I DID own anything, we’d have a Malec spinoff by now. (pouts) So, nope. I own nothing but an overactive imagination.
> 
> WARNINGS: HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ABUSE, adult themes, violence, depression... You know, all the fun stuff. (winces) Anyone out there...?
> 
> Awkay, let’s get going. Before I chicken out. I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

It was no secret that Magnus enjoyed clubbing and parties. But that evening he was eager to leave the club he owned. Because Alec, his boyfriend of two years, had promised him a special night. He couldn’t wait to see what that might entail.

“Go home already”, Maia, one of his bartenders, ordered with mock disgust. “You keep humming sappy romantic songs. It’s distracting.” Her eyebrow bounced up. “Is tonight a special occasion?”

“Perhaps.” Magnus winked. “A gentleman doesn’t tell.”

Maia snorted. “Get out of here, loverboy. And have fun.”

“I have every intention to”, Magnus promised lightly while he departed with a skip in his step.

Before leaving Magnus had to stop by in a toilet, though. On his way there he bumped into a man to whom he flashed a charming, apologetic smile. “I'm sorry. My mind is all over the place today.”

Magnus carried on his way so quickly that he didn’t see the alarming heat lighting up the other’s eyes. They didn’t stray from him for even a second. “No harm done.” And then the other man was moving, too.

Magnus didn’t think much of it when someone stepped into the toilet behind him. Alarm bells finally went off in his head when he heard the sound of a door being locked. And realized that it was just the two of them in the at the moment confined space.

Magnus turned as slowly as he could bear. He gave his unwanted companion a long, good look, memorizing as many details of the other’s face as he could. “How may I help you?”

“Don’t try the hot and cold routine with me”, the other growled. “I’ve been watching you all evening, and I saw the way you smiled at me just now. I know exactly what you want.”

/

Alec had it all planned out, as was his custom.

Their balcony was full of flowers and candles. The sweet scent of delicious food floated all the way to the apartment’s door. And carefully hidden under a silver-cover on a plate was a beautiful ring. It was perfect.

All he needed was Magnus to come home.

Alec frowned and checked the time yet again. Magnus was meticulous when it came to his style. But he was never fashionably late. The man also never ignored Alec’s calls and there had to be at least ten unanswered ones already.

Alec picked up immediately when his phone starting ringing and he noticed who the caller was. “Hey. You were supposed to be home an hour ago.” He didn’t like how hurt he sounded, but couldn’t stop himself. He’d been looking forward to this special evening for a mighty while. “Did something happen?”

The person who sighed heavily on the other end of the line definitely wasn’t Magnus. “_I’m sorry that I have to make this call._” It was Luke Garroway, the captain of his station. “_But I need you to come to the hospital. There’s been an attack._”

Alec frowned. “I’m off duty today.” Besides, why did Luke have Magnus’ phone? His head wasn’t quite willing to make the connection.

And that was how the nightmare began.

/

Jace had no idea why he went there. Perhaps he was hoping to see something that’d make the night’s events seem real. He ached to do something productive. Mostly he just wanted to understand.

How could someone...?

He walked through the door of the club’s toilet, and his thoughts came to a screeching halt. His eyes widened a fraction while they drifted from a broken mirror to stains of blood. All color rushed away from his face.

The last member of the crime scene unit, which just wrapped up, left and said something to him. Jace barely noticed. The whole room tilted strangely before coming back to full focus.

“... hell of a fight ...”

Aline sighed heavily. “Of course he did. He’s been training with Alec. He...” That was when she noticed him. After murmuring something to the other detective, Andrew, Aline made her way to him. Her expression was firm but sympathetic. “Jace, what are you doing here? You know that you can't work on this case.”

Jace saw red. “A case, huh?” That was what Magnus had been reduced to, now? He then managed to think rationally enough to realize that none of this was her fault and sighed. “Sorry. I just...” He trailed off.

“I get it, I do.” Aline gave his shoulder a squeeze. “But if you want to help, go to the hospital. Luke’s just making the call. Alec is going to need you.”

/

Alec felt like he was walking in a thick fog. He had no idea how he made it to the hospital. There were people everywhere around him but the noise they made was oddly muted. He was numb and dizzy, in too much shock to fully embrace what was happening.

Catarina met him almost as soon as he reached the correct hallway and he froze there, not knowing what to do. She appeared shaken and her eyes suggested that she’d shed a few tears. “Hey”, she greeted hoarsely. “How are you holding up?”

Alec shook his head. No amount of swallowing was enough to erase the horrible taste from his mouth. “How’s Magnus?”

Catarina sighed heavily. “At least there were no broken bones. But Magnus suffered a great deal of deep bruising all over and a horrific emotional trauma. We had to medicate him pretty heavily to help him calm down. He’ll have to stay here overnight for observation.” She paused, mainly because she didn’t want to say the rest. “He’s... been examined. Once the interview is over you can go and see him.”

Alec frowned. “What? They’re taking his statement already?” True, it was good to get all the answers as fresh as possible. But... “You just said that he’s been medicated heavily...!”

Catarina raised her hands and groaned. “I know, I know. I asked them to wait. They told me to do my job and let them do theirs.”

Alec was about to inquire who the idiots were. Until Raj and Aldertree stood at the room’s doorway. “We’re done with him”, the latter announced.

Alec couldn’t restrain himself. He snorted bitterly. “And how reliable is that statement you got? If you mess this up...!”

Raj’s eyes narrowed. “Keep your mouth shut, Lightwood.” The man lifted his chin. “As far as this case goes, you’re nothing but a spectator. So stand back and let us do our job.” With that the duo walked away.

Alec was about to sprint after them. Until Catarina grabbed his shoulder soothingly. “Let it go, Alec”, she beckoned. “Right now Magnus is what matters. I’ll take you to him.”

Alec nodded tensely. He braced himself for something horrible. It was nothing on what awaited him.

Magnus sat on the bed, legs pulled to his chest and using a blanket to cover as much of himself as possible. Almost every part Alec could see was covered in already forming bruises. There were also a couple of stitched up wounds. Magnus’ whole body shook and his eyes stared into emptiness. That was the most painful part. Alec had never seen his usually vibrant and larger than life beloved so broken and hollow.

Alec had to gather himself before he managed to speak. “Hey.” He wanted to kick himself when the quiet greeting made Magnus shudder and flinch. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He was desperate to run to his boyfriend and pull him to the safety of his arms. Which he knew would've been a horrible idea.

Magnus didn’t look his way properly. For a long while it was unclear if the older man even recognized him. “Can we... go home, now? I need a shower.”

Alec’s heart ached. “You have to stay here for tonight”, he explained softly. He itched to move forward but remained still awkwardly, not knowing what he was allowed to do. “If... it’s okay, I’ll wait with you.”

Magnus glanced his way briefly and seemed surprised. “I... wouldn’t hold it against you. If you didn’t want me anymore, after this.”

“What?” Alec’s jaw clenched. “Magnus. What happened to you today... It was a horrible crime. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

Magnus wrapped his arms tighter around himself. “Those guys who interrogated me didn’t seem to think that it was a crime. They kept asking...” The club owner and dancer emitted a sound of distress. “They kept asking if... if I said ‘no’, and... I’m not sure. I can’t remember.” Magnus shook his head anxious, desperately. “Alexander, I can’t remember.”

If Alec hadn’t already been willing to kill his boyfriend’s attacker with his bare hands... (And punch Aldertree and Raj in the face while he was at it...) “Magnus, you’ve been beaten black and blue.” He hated himself for the harshness but couldn’t focus enough to come up with gentler words. “You didn’t want it. And you didn’t deserve it.” He was willing to do absolutely anything to convince the other of that.

It was hard to tell if Magnus heard him. Slowly and with several winces the smaller man lay down, back towards him. “I... think I need to get some sleep.”

Alec nodded slowly. Oh, what he would’ve given for a soothing kiss goodnight... “Okay.” Very slowly he settled himself to the chair beside the bed. He loathed the way his beloved tensed up upon sensing his close proximity. “I’ll be right here, if you need anything.”

Magnus nodded barely noticeably. “Thank you”, was whispered, like him staying was an unexpected gift. Nothing more was said.

Neither of them slept that night, with the spirit of Magnus’ attacker keeping them company.


	2. Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus gets to leave the hospital, but it becomes apparent that the emotional recovery hasn't even started yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s sort of creepy how this chapter sort of wrote itself. But here it is, days earlier than I originally planned. Yay?
> 
> DAAAANG...! THANK YOU for the amazing reception this story received! So many comments and listings! (BEAMS, and HUGS) I REALLY hope that what’s to come won’t disappoint.
> 
> Awkay, folks. Here we go! Brace yourself, because this will be a quite painful chapter. (winces)

/ _Magnus made a swift move to leave the toilet. He wasn’t fast enough. The two of them clashed. Magnus fought well, but in the end an unexpected shove sent him down. Hard. The second his head collided with the floor, harshly enough to make him see stars, a hand slammed mercilessly against his throat. So hard that he couldn’t breathe. And despite Magnus’ best attempts to keep fighting, through dizziness and lack of oxygen, he’d lost the battle._ /

/

In the morning Alec had just called Luke when a doctor came to check up on Magnus. A female doctor, for which Alec was immensely grateful. (She introduced herself, but he’d already forgotten her name five minutes later.) “There’s still a pretty nasty bump on your head. Do you have a headache, nausea...?”

“Some”, Magnus admitted reluctantly.

The doctor nodded with a frown. “You suffered a mild concussion and I’m a little worried about possible repercussions. You need to take it easy for the next couple of days. Is there someone who can stay with you?”

“I’m his boyfriend”, Alec hurried to announce. (He could practically feel how worried his partner was that he wouldn’t get to go home, after all.) “We live together.”

Whatever the doctor saw on his face, it made her smile fondly. “Perfect.” She then sobered and focused on Magnus. “Before I discharge you, I’ll prescribe some pain medication. I think you’ll also benefit of something you can take if necessary to help you calm down and sleep.”

Magnus greeted all that with a small, resigned nod.

The doctor went on after a moment. “I also need to examine you to check on your recovery before I can discharge you. Could you lay down for me?”

Magnus complied slowly and rigidly, but jolted the second her fingers brushed him. The detective felt a slash of ache when he realized that the involuntary reaction was caused by his presence. Whatever damage had been done, Magnus didn’t want him to see it. Probably didn’t want anyone to see his naked skin.

The doctor noticed, of course. She withdrew her hand, then gave Alec a look of sympathy. “I heard from the nurses that you’ve been here all night. Why don’t you take a little walk, stretch your legs? This won’t take long.”

Leaving was the last thing Alec wanted to do. Especially when Magnus looked like he was close to tears when a pair of exhausted, pained eyes rose to meet his. “Alexander, I’m sorry...!”

“Hey!” Alec shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry about, okay? You haven’t done anything wrong.” (He’d repeat that however many times was necessary.) He stood up, only then noticing how stiff the endless hours on a chair had left him. “I’ll be right back. Can I get you anything to drink or eat?”

Magnus shook his head firmly, eyes downcast.

It felt horribly wrong to leave the room without a kiss goodbye. They hadn’t parted even briefly without a smooch since the early days of their relationship. Alec walked away slowly, a piece of him hoping that he’d be called back.

Just before he left, he heard the doctor’s soft voice. “Just breathe, nice and easy. I won’t do anything before giving you a heads up first.” There must’ve been a nod of consent, because she advanced. “I’m starting with your neck and throat. Good. The swelling has gone down almost fully, but if breathing feels funny at all, I need you to come back. Okay? I take it that talking and swallowing still hurt, so a nod will do.” There was a brief pause. “Now turn on your side. Then I’m going to lift up the hem of your hospital gown.”

Alec didn’t want to see, but his head turned before he could stop himself. He felt sick to his stomach at what awaited. There, on Magnus’ thighs, finger prints were very apparent from where the attacker had been holding him. It took all Alec had not to throw up there and then. On the bed, his face turned away from the door, Magnus trembled from how tense he was and emitted a muffled whimper.

“Magnus, remember to breathe. This is almost over, I promise.” The doctor waited for a few moments. “The bruising is very extensive. But the stitches look good and I don’t see any bleeding.”

Stitches...? In a flash Alec’s mind made an unpleasant connection. And he couldn’t stay in the room for another second.

Alec burst out, only to barrel into Jace. His brother blinked once, slowly, then lifted two takeaway mugs like they were a peace offering. “I... thought you two might need some coffee.” The man shifted from discomfort. “How’s Magnus?” Jace shook his head. “Sorry, stupid question...” Something on his face brought an alarmed look into the blonde’s eyes. “Alec?”

Alec realized that at some point he’d started to cry, like he hadn’t even when he was a child. He attempted to wipe his face but more moisture came out. Frustration made him sob harder. As did a new whimper from Magnus, one that just carried through the door separating them.

Jace let the coffee mugs drop to the floor in favor of wrapping his arms tightly around him. Alec melted to the desperately needed comfort. And broke down entirely.

That was how Clary found them when she also arrived a few minutes later, carrying a bag of clothes for the pair and makeup for Magnus. She and Jace exchanged a look of helplessness and sadness. Both wondering how in the world they were going to help the pair through this.

/

It hurt to move. In fact, everything hurt. Magnus welcomed the discomfort. It distracted him from the phantom sensation of unwanted hands on him.

Hating how unsteady his hands were, Magnus started to go through the bag Alec gave him, eyes suspiciously red. (He couldn’t get Alec’s tormented eyes out of his mind. He wanted so badly to reassure his boyfriend that everything was okay. But he couldn’t find enough strength for words then and he couldn’t now.)

Clary had chosen a black hoodie and loose black pants, clearly deciding that comfort was more important than style. For that Magnus was incredibly grateful. He peeled off the hospital gown eagerly and pulled on his own clothes as quickly as his shaking hands allowed. He was desperate to feel something soothing and familiar against his skin. It actually worked for a moment. With his eyes closed, he could pretend that his soreness was caused by an intense training session.

Then Magnus opened his eyes, saw the small bag of makeup products and wanted to throw up.

/ _A large, cold hand brushed his face. Wiping away makeup that’d become smudged. “What are you crying about? Look at you. Don’t try to tell me that this isn’t exactly what you made yourself pretty for.”_ /

Magnus gasped once, twice, thrice. Panic surged through him like a tsunami when no air reached his already burning lungs. His chest constricted and his eyes welled up while he continued to struggle. Unable to look away from the eyeliner and eyeshadow that seemed to mock him.

Everything hurt, he felt humiliated and filthy, and he brought it all on himself.

/

/ _Magnus lay absolutely still on the floor, eyes glazed over and the futile tears once filling them long since dried. Everything around him spun because of the hit his head took when he was thrown down. (He wondered if it would’ve been better to lose consciousness. Maybe it would’ve spared him from...) His mouth was open, but no sound came when his throat hurt horribly from how hard he’d been strangled._

_Magnus gave his first reaction in what felt like ages and shivered when something floated on him. “For your services.” His attacker’s steps distanced while the man left without a backwards glance. “Goodnight, wildcat.”_ /

/

Suddenly there was a hand touching him, and Magnus’ mind rushed violently back to the present. A large hand, squeezing his shoulder. The touch was far too similar to the one from the flashback and breathing became even more of a challenge.

Then another hand replaced it. A small, soft one, followed by a gentle female voice. “... okay ... you’re safe ... Breathe with me, alright? Nice and slow.”

As he fought to follow those instructions, a somewhat coherent part of Magnus wondered if he’d ever feel safe again.

/

Maia looked away while two detectives, Raj and Aldertree, went through the club’s security tapes. She didn’t want to see the creep following Magnus to the toilet. Didn’t want any further nightmares of what her friend and boss was put through.

/

/ _Maia knocked on the toilet’s door sharply, as amused as she was irritated. “Whoever’s in there... People complain that you've been there for ages, and I have a nasty feeling that I know exactly what’s going on. And it’s going to stop, do you hear me? Other people need to get in.”_

_The door opened moments later. Out came a politely smiling young man. “I’m sorry. We got... a little carried away.” He’d disappeared to the crowd before she could open her mouth._

_Which was when Maia saw something she wouldn’t forget for as long as she lived. Magnus lay on the floor, unmoving, bleeding, beaten and barely conscious. Beside him lay a hundred-dollar bill._ /

/

“... don’t understand why we’re wasting our time on this ...”, Raj muttered. “... from what I’ve seen, that bi freak-circus was asking for it ...”

Maia saw red. To a point where she was ready to knock out someone, a cop or not. Perhaps it was a lucky thing that someone cut her short. “Is that how you talk about the victim of a violent crime? Who also happens to be the partner of one of our own?” As his friend, she knew that Luke Garroway was a softie, deep down. But he could also be incredibly terrifying when he wanted to be. At the moment he launched the full force of his glare on Raj and Aldertree when they made the mistake of opening their mouths. “Not... a single word. Unless you want to make matters worse on yourselves. I’ve already received several complaints about you. Get your asses out of here and drag them to my office tomorrow morning. We have a lot to talk about.”

Once the duo had stalked away Maia gave Luke a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Luke nodded, then sighed. “It was my genuine pleasure. Now let’s finish this up.”

While Luke watched the screen and Maia looked away, they held each other’s hands for support, bracing themselves to fight for their friend.

/

It took several hours before Magus had been talked and medicated to the kind of a frame of mind in which he could be taken home. Alec glanced towards his boyfriend while finishing parking his car. For the first time since the days when they barely knew each other he didn’t know how to be around the man he loved.

Magnus seemed to be lost in some sort of a fog inside his head, and Alec had no idea how to guide him out of it.

In fact, Magnus seemed barely aware of where they were at the moment. “Hey.” Alec was about to reach out a hand towards his beloved’s bare face, but changed his mind on the last moment. (Usually he loved the sight of Magnus without his warpaint. That day it made him want to cry.) He went on when the dancer blinked rapidly, like waking up. “We’re home.”

Magnus nodded and, moving very slowly, pushed himself out of the vehicle. Knowing that he’d catch up easily, Alec took a few steadying breaths before following. “You didn’t eat anything at the hospital.” He did his best to keep his tone light but failed miserably. “I’m not much of a chef, but... I could make you an omelet, or something.” He was a damned police detective. He’d sworn to serve and protect. And he wasn’t able to protect the love of his life. He was desperate to do something that’d make him feel useful now.

Magnus, however, was in no mental state to read his mind and shook his head firmly.

By then they’d reached their apartment’s door. Magnus’ posture relaxed marginally when they walked through it. Until they noticed that the lights were on. Someone was there.

Alerted by the door opening, Izzy emerged from the kitchen. She winced apologetically when her appearance made Magnus shudder visibly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! I thought you’d spend another night at the hospital, so I came to feed the cats.”

Magnus’ tiny, faint smile didn’t come even close to reaching his eyes. “It’s alright, Isabelle.” The man shifted restlessly, eyes darting wildly. “I’m... sorry, but... I need a shower.” With that the dancer walked away as quickly as he could with all his bruising.

Izzy sighed sadly when they heard the bathroom’s door closing. “That pretty much answers my question of how he’s doing.” She then focused on him. “What about you?”

Alec shook his head. He was barely holding it together, for his own sake and his boyfriend’s. If he stopped and started to talk about how he felt... “I just... I need to stay in motion.”

Izzy nodded in understanding. She gave him a tender hug. “Just remember that if either of you needs anything, we’re all here for you. Tell that to Magnus.”

Alec would. Even if he wasn’t sure his beloved was in the condition to accept that support. With what was coming, they’d need all the help they could get.

/

Magnus didn’t care much if it was a bad idea to take a long, scalding shower with his stitches. He needed to wash up. To get rid of the stenches of his attacker and the hospital, if he’d accomplish nothing else.

He scrubbed and scrubbed. Scratched until he had nail marks all over his body, especially on his arms. But nothing he seemed to be enough. The traces of unwanted touches had burned their way too deep under his at the moment red and raw skin.

What kind of a man was he, to let something like this happen to him? What kind of a boyfriend was he, when he couldn’t handle even the simplest touch from Alec without having a panic attack? Who and what was he anymore?

/ _“What are you crying about? Look at you. Don’t try to tell me that this isn’t exactly what you made yourself pretty for.”_ /

Magnus stuffed a fist into his mouth to muffle his sobs.

Magnus had no idea how long he spent in the shower. He still felt filthy and cold when he stepped out. He was beyond grateful that the mirror he rushed past was covered in fog. He didn’t want to see what he’d been reduced to.

/

It took all Alec had to not rush over when he heard Magnus finishing up with the shower. His heart aching a little more with each beat, he listened to his boyfriend shuffling about, slow and atypically clumsy from physical injuries, medication and shock. It was against every single one of Alec’s desires to not help. But the rather horrible event at the hospital taught him that at the moment his interference would do more harm than good.

Eventually the sound of mewing made Alec move. Peering into the bedroom, he found Magnus curled up under the covers, facing away from the door. Church, the one of their two furry babies who usually pretended to hate the dancer, now sat right beside the man. Noticing him, the cat looked at him and mewed miserably, sounding heartbroken and confused.

It startled Alec how well he understood how their pet felt.

Alec settled to the bed slowly, leaving as much distance between them as he could. Even if all he wanted to do was pull the man he loved into his arms and comfort him. At least the medication Magnus had been given at the hospital seemed to have knocked the older man to a dreamless sleep.

That was how they spent the night. Trapped to the opposite sides of the massive bed by a man whose name they didn’t know. Church’s occasional sorrowful cries were the only sound heard in the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor darlings! (whimpers) The road to recovery won’t be easy. But let’s hope that it starts from here...! (sighs)
> 
> Soooo... Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you – you can’t even imagine how much hearing from you brightens my days! And feel free to send your petitions to join ‘Let’s Maim Raj’ club as comments.
> 
> I’LL TRY TO UPDATE TWICE A WEEK. IF MY HEAD AGREES TO WORK WITH ME, THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE OUT THIS SATURDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	3. Silence the Voice in Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec have a beyond rough couple of weeks while the dancer tries to recover. Eventually a tiny bit of progress is made. But is the positive development bound to be short lived...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TRIED to update yesterday, but real life got in the way and stole the whole. (POUTS) BUT, I’m here now. I hope you all are, too. (chuckles nervously)
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments and love! They mean more to me than you can imagine. (HUGS) Especially when this isn’t exactly a ‘easy to write’ story. I truly hope that you’ll all see this through with me and our boys!
> 
> Awkay, folks. Here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride. (Well, as far as I can use the word ‘enjoy’ with this tale...)

Magnus slept through the first night back home and most of the following morning with the aid of medication. Alec was worried, but not surprised. His boyfriend took any medication rarely and often responded to them strongly.

The second night... was worse. They’d barely fallen asleep when Alec woke up to a horrible, chilling scream. His instincts flaring to life, the detective sat up and let his sharp gaze scan through the room in search of a threat.

The only threat, the only monster, was the one inside Magnus’ head. The dancer screamed again, as loudly as his still recovering throat allowed, then whimpered. “... op ... an’t breathe ...”

While Alec had received some training for dealing with emotionally traumatized people, this was different. More real and intense. Especially when it was the love of his life suffering. He balled his fists so tightly that nails dug into skin to keep himself from touching. “Magnus, wake up for me”, he beckoned. He hated how desperate and broken he sounded. He was supposed to stay strong...!

Magnus cried out hoarsely and quietly. Not because he would’ve been calming down. But because he had no voice left anymore. Somehow the helpless, defeated sound was worse than the screams.

Alec had no idea of the lone tear making its way down his cheek. “Magnus, baby, you’re home. We’re home. You’re safe.” The need to wipe away his beloved’s tears was so strong that he didn’t know what to do with himself. “Wake up. Come back to me.”

Magnus did, so abruptly that it caught Alec off guard. A pair of dark, wild eyes flew open, full of nearly animalistic fear. Too out of it to experience any discomfort from his various injuries, the smaller man bolted to a sitting position and panted hard. “Home... We’re home...”, Magnus echoed barely comprehensibly. “... just a dream ...”

Alec’s heart broke. Especially when the change on Magnus’ face revealed that he was coherent enough to figure out the truth. If only that dream’s horrible events had no ties to the reality...!

Magnus’ shoulders simultaneously slumped and tensed up. After a few seconds he buried his face to a pair of shaking hands and rubbed roughly. Too roughly.

Unable to hold himself back any longer, Alec grabbed his boyfriend’s hands to halt the ministrations. “Hey, hey! Stop! You’re hurting yourself.”

Magnus stiffened, in that overwhelming moment forgetting who it was touching him. Then, so quickly that it caught them both off guard, the dancer yanked his hands free and jumped out of the bed. The dancer stood rigidly in a posture that screamed at Alec to not touch again. For a few agonizing moments sheer terror filled the man’s eyes. The shame and guilt to which it transformed weren’t much less painful to witness. “I... I’ll try sleeping in the guest room. Maybe that way you’ll get some sleep, at least.” It was the most he’d spoken at one go since the attack, uttered in a frantic rush.

Alec very much doubted that he’d be able to fall asleep again. And he hated how the man he loved distanced himself from him emotionally and physically. But if it was what Magnus needed... “Okay”, he murmured. There was a lot more he would’ve wanted to say but couldn’t find the words.

Magnus seemed to have a similar problem. The club owner nodded very slowly, mostly at himself. Then cast a mournful look towards the bed and him before fleeing from the room hurriedly.

Alec was left wondering which one was worse. Magnus’ screams and whimpers. Or the silence that fell when it seemed that they didn’t know how to talk to each other.

Those sullen thoughts were cut when Magnus appeared to the room’s doorway once more. “I love you”, the man murmured quietly, almost shyly. “I just... I forgot to say that.”

Alec didn’t know how it was possible for his heart to ache and soar at the same time. “I love you, too”, he returned. Gently but firmly.

Magnus didn’t smile. But relaxed visibly. His second departure from the room was far less hurried and anxious than the first one.

Even if they couldn’t share a bed... Even if they could barely touch... Neither of them had any doubt when it came to how much they loved each other. They hadn’t lost that, at least. That realization gave them both a hint of comfort through the darkest hours of the night.

/

The following day Alec sat in Luke’s office. Uttering something the chief seemed to have expected. “I... I can’t come to work, wondering all day what’s waiting when I go back home. So...” He inhaled a deep breath. “I need a leave. I have all those unused vacation days...”

“Alec.” Luke’s eyes were softer than he’d ever seen them. “I’m not letting you back on the field until you’re ready for it. So go home, because that’s where you’re needed right now. We’ll hold the fort until you return.”

Alec nodded and relief made his shoulders sag a little.

“There’s also something you should know. Completely unofficially, mind you.” Luke lifted his chin. “Raj and Aldertree are off Magnus’ case. And Raj no longer works at this station. I... had a talk with them. I told them that either they swear to get their heads out of their asses and start treating victims with respect. Or they find another place to work. Aldertree accepted my terms reluctantly. Raj cleared his desk.”

Alec was surprised. And delighted. “Thank you.”

Luke shook his head firmly. “Even if we weren’t friends and I wasn’t married to your mother, you wouldn’t have to thank me for doing the right thing.” The chief sighed. “Magnus deserves justice. Maybe now, with Aline and Andrew working on his case, he’ll get it.”

Alec felt considerably lighter when he left his boss’ office. The sight he encountered upon emerging stunned him to a point where he froze. “What...?”

Every single one of his colleagues from the station, except for Aldertree, was gathered there. As a united front. “Before leaving with doors banging Raj made sure that everyone here knows what happened to Magnus.” Jace lifted his hands. “I didn’t plan this. But... I definitely wanted to participate.”

Aline shrugged. “We just want you to know that we’re all here for you and Magnus. And we’ll do everything we can to catch the guy who attacked him. Make sure Magnus knows that, too.”

Alec was so touched that he couldn’t utter a sound, so he nodded instead.

Needing to feel a little less emotional before he’d see Magnus, Alec took the long way home. The second he opened their apartment’s door, he heard something he hadn’t expected. Laughter.

“I did it! Mommy, uncle Magnus, I did it!” Madzie shouted excitedly and giggled some more. “I can do the spinning thing!”

Magnus didn’t laugh, but there was a great deal of warmth and fondness in his tone. “It’s called pirouette, sweet pea. And I’m so proud of you!”

That was when Alec reached the living room. The second Madzie saw him, she beamed up at him. “Uncle Alec, look!” She spun around gracefully. “I learned it!”

While Magnus was busy with teaching Madzie a new move, Alec approached Catarina. The nurse sighed. “Magnus knew that he wouldn’t be able to pull off that musical role anymore, but today he heard that Lorenzo inherited it.” And it stung, of course it did. Even if Magnus and Lorenzo were something like friends these days. “He needed cheering up, and Madzie’s the perfect girl for the job.”

Alec agreed. Watching Magnus interacting with the child, he saw a hint of the man his beloved was before the attack. And while he knew that the recovery had barely even started, he finally felt a little bit of hope.

/

The next two weeks were an exhausting emotional roller coaster. Magnus fought, with all his might, to pretend that everything was alright. Because he could tell how much the whole situation was tearing apart Alec, too, and the last thing he wanted was to bring pain on the man he loved.

But the truth was that he wasn’t okay. He only left the apartment when he absolutely had to. Whenever he did, he didn’t wear makeup or style his hair. Even the sight of his makeup collection made him feel sick.

/ _“Don’t try to tell me that this isn’t exactly what you made yourself pretty for.”_ / Those words, along with the accusation... They played in Magnus’ head a million times every day.

The attack changed Magnus, stole away the person he used to be and his life. And he hated it so much that it threatened to drive him insane. He couldn’t dance, because even the thought of performing was overwhelming. He couldn’t go to the club he owned and loved because that was where the whole nightmare began. He could barely stand being touched by Alec, let alone something more intimate. He couldn’t eat, because he felt nauseated all the time. He couldn’t sleep, because nightmares came to torment him whenever he tried.

He wanted his life back! He wanted himself back! He wanted to be the kind of a partner the love of his life deserved!

The frustration was suffocating him and refused to remain entirely contained. That very day he and Alec had their first fight since the... incident. (The blowout was welcomed, actually, even if they both hated it. Because apparently they were comfortable enough around each other to argue.)

Alec’s little brother Max had an ice-hockey game and the detective would’ve wanted to stay at home with Magnus. His beloved would’ve never forgiven himself for missing a game that was important to Max and the boy’s team. And Magnus wasn’t going to hold his boyfriend back just because he didn’t feel comfortable with large crowds. Besides, he didn’t need a babysitter, which he expressed more sharply than he’d intended.

They shouted, both of them having been emotionally on the edge for weeks. They raised their voices and failed to express what they wanted to say properly. Eventually Alec stormed out. And sent a message saying ‘_I love you, I’m sorry_’ minutes later, to which Magnus responded in kind. ‘_Have fun and don’t forget to send pictures_’, he added. (Which would, without a doubt, lead to Alec spamming him with about a hundred snapshots.)

‘Never walk out on an argument, because you never know when you walk out for the last time. If you need to cool off, make sure that your partner knows they’re more important to you than your fight.’ That had been their rule for a while already, since Alec left for work after a heated argument and nearly died of a gunshot wound. (Even the faintest memories of that day from over a year ago still made Magnus feel sick.)

For the first time in a while Magnus was alone for longer than an hour or two. And he froze, not knowing what to do with himself. Every shadow circling around him made the knot in his stomach grow and he needed a distraction. Which was provided by the rumbling of his stomach.

Hadn’t Alec been telling him that he needed to eat more?

It all started normally enough. He switched on the stove, then started rummaging through the cabinets. He was just about to open a jar of tomato sauce when the voice constantly echoing in his head got too loud.

‘_... pretty ..._’

Magnus saw red, and hurled the jar at the nearest wall. “Shut up!” he snarled at the top of his voice. Which only triggered him further.

Needing to release his rage, Magnus hurled several more items everywhere around the kitchen. Utensils, kettles, a pan... In the end it got a bit too much and he slumped to the floor, panting heavily.

And the voice in his head finally vanished.

It took a while before the adrenaline storm faded and Magnus was able to think clearly. He found Chairman staring at him with a tilted head and winced. “I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do, don’t I?”

The cat meowed in agreement.

So Magnus cleaned up. Then started to prepare a dinner for when Alec would get home. It felt incredibly good to do something so normal. Especially when his head remained quiet the whole time.

/

Alec enjoyed the game and the company of his family even more than he’d expected. It was a thrill to watch Max celebrating a victory with his team-mates. But then, just as they were about to part ways, Izzy asked him to give her best to Magnus. And Alec began to dread what’d await him at home.

Alec blinked from surprise when he opened the door and was greeted by the heavenly scent of something delicious. Magnus wasn’t humming softly like he usually did while cooking but just having him in the kitchen was great progress. Entering the living room, Alec saw a huge blanket and pillows on the floor and smiled. Apparently they’d have a movie date.

“Welcome home.” Before, Magnus would’ve greeted him with a kiss. (Alec told himself firmly that they’d get back there eventually.) “I hope you’re hungry.”

“Famished.” For the first time in far too long genuine happiness sparkled in Alec’s eyes. “What’s this all about?”

Magnus shrugged. It didn’t come out as nonchalantly as he likely would’ve hoped. “I just... I wanted to arrange something romantic.” Something nice and normal. Something like what they used to have. The smaller man did his best to smile, even if it didn’t come out quite right. “I made your favorite pasta sauce.”

And Alec was positively beaming. “So that’s what smells good.” He started to make his way towards the kitchen. “You pick the movie, I’ll get us both a plate.”

“I already ate”, Magnus announced too hurriedly.

Of course Alec caught the obvious lie. But he didn’t call Magnus out on it. The last thing he wanted was to ruin what could be their best evening in weeks.

“Magnus, why is there pasta sauce on the wall?”

“I’d... rather not answer that.”

It was just good food and one of those old movies Alec pretended to hate, although they both knew that he enjoyed them as much as Magnus did. But for the detective it was perfection, and he hoped that it was the same for his beloved. The movie was barely halfway through when Alec felt Magnus’ head lean more heavily against his shoulder. He grinned victoriously upon seeing a tiny, peaceful smile on the slumbering man’s lips.

Perhaps this time there’d be no nightmares.

Alec risked a feather light kiss on the other’s hairline. “Sweet dreams”, he whispered. Then glanced towards their cats, who’d been more or less subtly observing the whole event. “Admit it, you two are happy to see him doing better, too. Soon we’ll have him smiling even when he’s awake.”

Chairman started purring loudly. Church gave him an unimpressed glare and continued to groom himself. All was right in the world, even if only briefly. 

Unfortunately the peace wouldn't last long.

Forgotten to the kitchen table, Magnus’ phone buzzed on a silent mode. His answering machine took a message from his doctor. “_I’m sorry that I have to call you like this, but... Some of your test results just came back. And I’d like to see you as soon as possible._”

The close to perfect evening would soon be followed by one of their worst days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no...! Just when Magnus was making progress. (whimpers) Sounds like there’ll be more turbulence before the recovery can continue.
> 
> Soooo... Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment means the world to me.
> 
> IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: Magnus hears something bad, and something shocking. And doesn’t react well.
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER IS DEFINITELY COMING NEXT WEDNESDAY. I’ll do my best to update twice a week. Fingers crossed that I’ll succeed.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	4. Banish the Sickness Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus hears something bad, and something shocking. And doesn’t react well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, folks! It’s time for another update. (grins)
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for your absolutely amazing comments, love and support! It means the world to me that you’re taking this journey with me. (HUGS) I’ll do my best to keep you captivated.
> 
> Because stalling is rude... Let’s go! This WON’T be an easy read. (winces) But I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride, anyway! (Well, I hesitate to use the word ‘enjoy’ here, but oh well...)

A couple of days later it was raining relentlessly outside while Alec and Magnus sat in the office of the dancer’s doctor. The detective decided that the weather matched the occasion perfectly. The doctor’s voicemail message had already been a pretty good warning that they’d hear something unpleasant. Good news are those shared over the phone. Bad news are those that force you to face a nauseatingly empathetic medical professional.

Alec had delivered his share of bad news during his career. Which was why the look on the doctor’s face was too familiar, made him tense up before she even started. “Like I already mentioned in the message, we need to talk about one of your test results.”

Magnus’ whole body was so stiff that it had to hurt. His hand clutched at Alec’s almost painfully tightly. “Which one? They took about a hundred samples.”

The doctor met Magnus’ eyes, reluctantly but evenly. Ready to drop the bomb. “Magnus, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, too. But you have chlamydia.”

It was like someone had poured icy water on Alec. He could only imagine how his boyfriend felt. Magnus’ hand slipped from his, like the man didn’t think he deserved the comfort anymore. “What?” The dancer’s voice was small and broken.

“Again, I’m sorry. But the silver lining is that chlamydia is easy to treat. I’ll write you a prescription. And later I need you to give a sample so we can check that it’s all gone from your system.”

It was treatable. Some medication, and it’d be out of their lives. The son of a bitch made Magnus sick, and now they’d banish it. Alec focused on that shred comfort to keep himself together.

The doctor went on hesitantly when neither man uttered a sound. Her attention shifted to him. “If you two have been intimate since the attack, you should be tested, too.”

Alec shook his head before actively deciding to do so. “No, we... ah, haven’t.” Usually discussing such private matters would’ve embarrassed him. At the moment he was too shocked and worried about his beloved. “So, no need. I’m fine.” He added those final words mainly for Magnus’ sake, to make perfectly clear that they’d face all this together.

Unfortunately Magnus was in no fit state to receive comfort. Still agonizingly tense on his seat, the older man started to tremble barely noticeably. A little more color drained from his face with every passing second.

Alec decided that he had to get Magnus out of the building and home, where they’d both feel safe.

The doctor seemed to understand. She got the paperwork done mercifully quickly. Then handed a pile of documents to Magnus. Alec noticed immediately that a list of support groups was included.

“If you have any questions, at all, don’t hesitate to call...” The doctor didn’t get to finish before Magnus was already out. “... anytime.”

“That... was a lot to take in.” Alec didn’t know why he felt the need to explain. “I’ll take care of him.”

The doctor’s eyes softened. “I know you will. But remember to look after yourself, too.”

Alec nodded, not quite sure what to say to that. Then hurried out of the room. He wasn’t too proud to admit that he panicked while his gaze scanned through the hallway in search of his boyfriend. Relief nearly smacked air from his lungs when he spotted Magnus. Until the sight registered fully.

Magnus shook so badly that it was a miracle he stayed upright. All the papers the man had been given were a scattered mess on the floor. A pair of hands had been brought to cover a makeup free face, which allowed Alec to see the damage done to his beloved’s fingers. No skin had been broken but there was already a degree of swelling.

“I’m okay”, Magnus managed with difficulty when he sensed the detective near. “I’m fine. I just...” The older man swallowed like someone trying not to throw up. “I just feel so humiliated.”

“Don’t.” Alec shook his head even though the other didn’t see it. “That asshole... He passed that illness to you.” _And he’ll suffer for it, I’ll make sure of that._ “But we’ll get you better, inside and out. You’ll see.”

Very slowly Magnus lifted his gaze to meet his. (Those eyes Alec had loved since he first looked into them held so much agony that it shattered his heart.) “I’m trying, Alexander.” But even a fool would’ve been able to see how tired the club owner was; heart, body and soul. And it terrified Alec.

Alec ached to wrap a protective arm around Magnus. But he didn’t want to make things even worse and held back, no matter how much it pained him. “Let’s go and get your medication. Then we can stay at home the rest of the day and relax.” Well, as much as either of them would be able to relax after the day’s news...

Magnus nodded and opened his mouth. Nothing came out. They left the building silently, side by side. With their hands ghosting right next to each other but not touching. And it felt like the couple of inches between them were miles.

/

Getting the necessary medicine from a pharmacy was one of the most humiliating things Magnus had ever been forced to do. He knew that it was foolish, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that everyone around him knew exactly what he was there for. What happened to him, and what it left into his now tainted body.

Alec was right there beside him the whole time, a silent pillar of support. So close yet so far at the same time. Magnus longed to hold the younger man’s hand. To have Alec’s arm wrapped around him and not freak out about it. 

It was outrageous how long it took to get some stupid pills. (Or how long it seemed to take, anyway.) Afterwards they sat in Alec’s car. The rain beating the vehicle was unnaturally loud in comparison to the silence between them.

“That... was awful”, Magnus breathed out at last, refusing to look towards the man he loved from the bottom of his heart.

“I know”, Alec acknowledged softly. (For some absurd reason the compassion Magnus didn’t think he deserved made him feel worse.) “But it’s done, now. And I’m so proud of you.”

Magnus snorted. It came out regrettably bitterly. “Why? Because I was too weak to protect myself and got an STD for it?” He scratched his neck roughly despite knowing that it’d do nothing to actually make him feel better.

Alec’s mouth opened. The detective’s phone was faster and the man accepted the call with a scowl. “What is it, Andrew?” The taller man’s brows furrowed before he pressed a button. “Okay, you’re on speaker. What’s going on?”

“_We did a lot of digging, and... We have a suspect here at the station._” Andrew sounded exhausted, thrilled and remorseful all at once. “_Now we just... need a confirmation._”

Magnus shuddered. He knew what that meant. They needed him to identify the suspect.

Alec bit his teeth together so tightly that it made a sound. “This... isn’t a good time...”

“We’ll be right there”, Magnus interjected. Because he knew what he had to do, no matter how much he hated the idea. He was too much of a weakling to protect himself. But he could keep the creep from hurting anyone else. He hoped that his resolve soothed Alec’s mind as well. “Let’s make sure that he pays.”

Alec nodded firmly, and with their solidarity the non-physical distance between them shrunk significantly.

/

Jace had been Alec’s brother since he was a little boy. And he’d known Magnus for years. He knew perfectly how strong the two men were. Stronger than they should’ve had to be. Yet that day, he could see that they were both teetering on the edge of their personal limit.

At least, if they had the right guy, one chapter of the nightmare would end to that day.

Jace gave the pair a look he hoped to convey empathy instead of pity. “Hey. I heard that they caught him, and... I wanted you guys to know that I’m here, even if I can’t go anywhere near the interview room.”

“Actually...” Magnus inhaled a deep breath. It was painful to see how desperately the man tried to hang on to his mask of composure. “Could you... keep Alec company? While I’m there?”

Alec’s eyes flashed in a manner that’d lead to nothing good. “What? Magnus...!”

“Alec.” Jace grabbed his brother’s shoulder with one hand, hoping to ground him. “You can’t go there any more than I can. We both know what you’d do if you’d see that asshole’s face.” Alec would kill the guy. There was no sugarcoating it. And wouldn’t need anything more than his two hands to get the job done.

Alec’s wrath was joined by so much helpless despair that it made Jace want to cry. (Not that he would’ve ever admitted as much.) “So I’m supposed to let Magnus go there all alone?”

“Alexander.” Magnus’ voice wavered ever so slightly. His brave, shaky smile was heartbreaking to witness. “I can do this. I’ll be fine.”

“And he won’t be going at it alone.” Aline had an uncharacteristically soft look on her face while she took one step closer. “I’ll look after him. Every step of the way.”

Her eyes locked with Alec’s only for a few seconds. But in that time it seemed like a million words were spoken. Until Alec nodded, briefly and stiffly. Aline returned it in kind, knowing full well that she’d just been trusted with her friend’s and colleague’s whole world.

“Are you ready?” Aline asked quietly, eyeing Magnus critically and worriedly.

Magnus huffed. “No. But I want to get this over with.”

Just before walking in Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand. It was completely instinctive and abrupt, but at least the club owner didn’t withdraw the second the younger man’s hand returned the hold. The chaste touch communicated everything necessary, especially with the look the couple exchanged. Then Magnus followed Aline through a door that closed uncomfortably loudly. Alec’s fingers were left open and restless, longing the hand they just held.

“Magnus is tough.” Jace hated how hollow that sounded even to his own ears. “He’ll be fine.”

Alec nodded in a way that made it impossible to tell if he actually heard or not. Then clenched his jaw. “Look... I’m not in the mood for talking.”

Jace shrugged. “That’s okay. I don’t want to talk, either.”

And so they waited in a heavy but companionable silence. Alec deep in thought. And Jace doing his best to offer support for his brother who fidgeted every two seconds.

/

It was odd how time could move unnaturally slowly and dizzyingly fast at the same time. Magnus felt like he was in some horrible, sick dream that’d end soon while he walked behind Aline. Too numb to wonder why his heart was racing.

Then they stood in front of one of those cop-show style one-way windows. Looking into a room where Andrew was interrogating another man. And Magnus crash-landed to reality so hard that it was like a whiplash.

“_Jonathan, if I were you, I’d stop that smirking and eye rolling._” Andrew’s voice echoed strangely in Magnus’ head. “_You’re suspected of a serious crime._”

Jonathan snorted. “_He was asking for it. I know it, and he knows it. Just wait until my father hears about this...!_”

“Magnus?” Aline’s voice was barely able to get his attention. “Is that your attacker?”

Magnus nodded. Once, twice, thrice. Finding his voice was harder than it should’ve been. “Yeah. Yeah. You’ve got the right guy.” He had to get out of there! “Now, if you’ll excuse me...” He spun around and hurried away, his chest a fraction tighter with each step he took.

Alec was still waiting for him, of course. Magnus swallowed convulsively under his boyfriend’s concerned gaze. “It’s him”, was all he managed.

Alec nodded. “Good.” There was still more than a hint of murderous rage in his eyes. A great deal of it melted at the sight of him. “Now let’s go home.”

Magnus had hard time catching his breath. The whole day... It was just too much. His head spun and hurt, and he wanted to throw up. He wasn’t ready to go home yet. “Alexander, I... I’m glad you’re here.” More so than he could express accurately. That his boyfriend still wanted to be there for what little was left of him... It baffled Magnus. “But I need a moment.” _Alone_, he refused to say out loud because even insinuating it obviously tore at the younger man. “I just... I have to go to the toilet.” He hated how pleading he sounded. As though he would’ve feared that the man who loved him wouldn’t let him go for a moment and give him some space when he needed it.

Thankfully Alec seemed to understand. The detective nodded, visibly reluctant to let him out of his sight but accepting it as something he needed. “Okay. I’ll see you in ten minutes.” This time Alec was the one who sounded like he was begging.

Magnus nodded back, not trusting his voice. Then, his feet almost as unsteady as his head, he made his way to a toilet. It was ridiculous, really, how unsafe he felt. He was inside a police station, for crying out loud, and the man who attacked him had been caught! He should’ve been over the moon, yet he felt like he was falling apart.

Magnus’ hands shook while he splashed some cold water on his face. Desperate the chase away how he felt at the moment. It didn’t work. A tiny whimper escaped him and he clasped a hand on his lips to keep more from coming.

Facing his attacker brought back the phantom sensation of those unwanted hands on him, and he couldn’t...

“Are you proud of yourself, huh?” The voice startled him, badly, because he’d been too distraught to hear anyone entering. Spinning around, he found Aldertree glaring at him. “You try to get away with cheating on your boyfriend. First Raj is fired and I’m demoted to pathetic desk duty. And now my best friend’s son is in trouble because of you.”

Magnus clenched his jaw and straightened his posture. He even managed a glare of his own. “He raped me!” It was the first time he said the word out loud, and only sheer willpower kept him from gagging after.

Aldertree snorted. “Do you seriously imagine that anyone is going to believe that? You may have Lightwood fooled. But the rest of us know exactly what you are, and so do you.” The man lifted his chin with a facial expression of disgust. “You’re a freak who can’t keep it in his pants and brought this whole thing on yourself. Any jury will see that. Maybe Lightwood will, too.” With those words Aldertree walked away. Knowing that the blow had been delivered and landed. Hard.

Magnus stood frozen. Not even noticing the water that was still running while he stared at his own reflection on the mirror. Even if he could barely stand the sight of himself.

Aldertree’s words were all he could hear and focus on.

/

Magnus didn’t return after ten minutes. Alec’s stomach went to painful knots while he headed towards the toilet. “Magnus?” he called out through the door. “Is everything okay in there?”

Alec knew, deep inside, that everything wasn’t alright. Deciding that he’d wasted too much time already, he opened the door. And froze.

Water shone on the shards of a broken mirror in a sink, and Magnus was nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rock, meet bottom. (winces) But maybe the healing will start soon...? Dear gosh, let’s hope so!
> 
> Sooooo... How was that? And how much do you guys hate Jonathan, Aldertree and me? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Yell at me if you must, I can take it. (snickers) (then squeaks and dodges thrown objects)
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER COMING THIS SATURDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I really hope I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	5. Spew Out the Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completely overwhelmed and unable to think coherently from the voices in his head, Magnus runs. Will Alec find him before something horrible happens?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH! Wrapping up this chapter... was an experience. (shudders) You’ll know what I mean soon.
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for the ABSOLUTELY AMAZING comments, love and support! It means a lot to me that so many of you are taking this tough journey with our boys. (HUUUUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then... Are you ready? Because here we go. (gulps)
> 
> First, though... ADDITIONAL TRIGGER WARNING! Check the updated tags before moving forward. And let me assure you, what happens in this chapter IS accidental. This chapter is the worst things will get in this story, I promise. (HUGS) (because hugs are needed for this...!)

Magnus had dressed himself in a manner that drew attention since he was a teenager. He came to a solid realization of who he was and what his style was a few months before he turned fifteen. And although he was intimately aware of his numerous flaws and ugly bits, he’d always done his best to be unapologetically himself. Even on the kind of days when he didn’t like himself very much and the dark clouds of depression threatened to smother him.

And one attack took that away from him.

Seeing himself on the toilet’s mirror... Dressed in plain black clothes... Face bare, strained and unexplainably pained... Dark circles around his glazed over, haunted eyes...

Magnus couldn’t recognize himself anymore. It sickened him. Especially when he wondered if what he glared at then was what Alec saw while looking at him.

He smashed the mirror with a single blow when Aldertree’s words continued to echo in his head, seeping in like acid.

Magnus couldn’t think rationally. All he could do was react, like a wild animal. And every single one of his instincts was screaming at him to get out of the police station. So he did.

People stared at him while he rushed out, which made breathing even harder than it already was. Some asked questions, but he was in no fit state to hear them. All he heard was Aldertree, whose voice soon became joined by others.

He heard his mother, who could never really bear looking into his eyes. Magnus remembered waking up from a nightmare and hearing her speaking with his stepfather when he sought her for comfort. / _“... am I supposed to love ... monster ...”_ / He only heard bits and pieces, but it was more than enough. At the age of nine he learned that reality was far worse than nightmares. A few days later his mother took her own life.

He heard his stepfather. He could still remember, vividly, those disgusted, drunken eyes glaring at him. / _“It’s your fault that she’s dead. You’re an abomination.”_ / Being the foolish child that he was, he asked the man who was supposed to be his guardian if he should’ve died instead. / _“Yes”, his stepfather announced with a crushing amount of certainty. “You should’ve never been born.”_ / Perhaps it was fate’s cruel joke that the man himself died later that same month. His stepfather was incredibly wealthy and didn’t manage to direct his fortune to anyone else. The man’s passing left Magnus ridiculously rich, all alone and with a broken, hollow heart that yearned to be loved. He was only twelve.

And then there was Camille. On and off from when he was just sixteen to when he was twenty-four, like an addiction he couldn’t shake. She wasn’t the only lover who'd let him down, but she was without a doubt the worst. She played with his body and mind alike gleefully, as if he was a toy. ‘Silly little thing’, she would often call him. (She laughed and called him that when he told her that he loved her.) Sex with her was usually power play. / _“Oh, that wasn’t too tight, was it? I was under the impression that you like it rough.”_ / Finally his friends managed to lure him away from her for the last time. By then the damage was done. He sealed his heart, determined to never let anyone break it again.

Until Alec came along.

Magnus tried, with all his might, to anchor his thoughts on his boyfriend. On love and safety. He fought to convince himself that he should go back. But the instincts telling him to run the other way were stronger. He couldn’t even consider facing Alec’s support when his head was so full of poison, repulsion, hatred and confusion. When he felt too tainted to even look at himself from a damned mirror.

/ _“Don’t try to tell me that this isn’t exactly what you made yourself pretty for.”_ /  
/ _“... the rest of us know exactly what you are ...”_ /  
/ _“... monster ...”_ /  
/ _“... abomination ...”_ /  
/ _“... silly little thing ...”_ /  
/ _“... pretty ...”_ /  
/ _“Are you proud of yourself?”_ /

“... where to ...?” The sudden voice from present time startled him, to a point where he jumped. “For the fourth time, where to?” A cab driver gave him a confused, suspicious look. (When and how did he get into the car?) “Are you okay, buddy?”

Magnus nodded faintly and stared at his trembling hands, which were squirming restlessly in his lap. He was too numb to feel the tears on his cheeks. “I just... I want to go home”, he whispered.

The driver said nothing after he eventually managed to mumble an address. The man also didn’t kick him out. Slowly and smoothly the vehicle joined the traffic.

Magnus was barely coherent. But he’d made the journey enough times to notice that they didn’t take the usual road. “This isn’t the shortest way.”

“There’s been a big accident on the fifth. It’s totally blocked.” He wasn’t aware enough anymore to sense the look aimed at him, or to hear the rest. “And you look like you need to get home as fast as possible.”

All Magnus heard was the nasty voices in his head.

He wrapped his arms painfully tightly around himself, because it was the only thing keeping him from scratching his skin bloody to feel cleaner.

/

At the station it'd become clear that Magnus had left the building. Alec seethed. Helpless rage burned under his skin like lava and sheer terror gave his tone a jagged edge. “How is it possible that Magnus just walked out...?”

“Alec.” By some miracle Jace’s voice managed to snatch his attention. “Do you seriously imagine that Magnus being held back against his will would’ve done any good?” His brother gave him a moment. “Besides, we both know where he’s going.”

Alec realized that he did, now that the worst hue of wrath faded from his mind. There was only one place where his boyfriend would feel even remotely safe. “Home.”

Jace nodded in agreement. “I’ll drive you there.” Sensing his oncoming protest, the blonde went on. “You’re in no condition to drive. And the last thing Magnus needs is you getting into an accident.”

Under different circumstances Alec might’ve smirked at the excellent guilt tripping. As it was he had far more pressing matters on his mind. So he nodded instead.

“Go”, Aline urged. “I’ll tell Luke everything.”

Alec wondered what he’d done to deserve such an amazing colleague. Now was hardly the time to dwell on that, however. While he and Jace rushed to motion, he hoped from the bottom of his heart that they weren’t too late already.

/

After the brothers left, Aline’s glaring eyes turned towards Aldertree, who’d stood watching the whole display emotionlessly. “After identifying Jonathan Magnus was shaken, but held it together.” Suspicion filled her mind. “You were seen leaving the toilet shortly before Magnus. What the hell happened there?”

Aldertree shrugged. “Nothing special. I just told him a few truths.”

“A few truths?” Luke’s tone was nothing short of murderous. The look on the chief’s face was something beyond that. “Why don’t you tell me all about it in my office?”

/

Magnus blinked with confusion upon finding himself from behind his and Alec’s door. He had huge chunks of the journey there missing from his memory. He still shook, a horrible taste lingered in his mouth and he clutched at a bottle of...

Whiskey? He hated that stuff. Usually. Apparently that day it’d do, since he’d already downed half a bottle.

Magnus had barely eaten in days. (Or was it weeks?) And if the taste in his mouth was any indication, he’d thrown up. Those facts added to his emotional turmoil made his head spin. When he could barely get the door open and stumbled upon entering he laughed hysterically. Or cried. It was hard to tell the difference.

Magnus had hoped that getting home would finally make him feel better. But everything about that day... Chlamydia, Jonathan, Aldertree... It was just too much. He couldn’t process it, especially when his head was painfully full.

He was sick, inside and out. As well as exhausted. And drunk, for the first time in... a very long time. This whole nightmare was ruining his sobriety on top of all else. Alec would be so disappointed in him.

Magnus half-giggled, half-sobbed. Whiskey burned on its way down his throat. He nearly tripped on his own two feet and laughed. The reaction repeated when he spilled alcohol on the floor and carpet. In the end he dropped the whole bottle and laughed harder. Tears blurred his eyes.

Yes, Alec would be so disappointed in him. Well. If the detective ever wanted to come home and see him again.

/ _“Any jury will see that. Maybe Lightwood will, too.”_ / What if Aldertree was right?

Something broke at that moment. Because suddenly nothing was funny anymore. Magnus started to sob uncontrollably, staring desperately at the mess he made, at the shards of glass on the floor.

Broken, broken, broken...

Unsteady in more ways than one, Magnus started to pick up the pieces. He didn’t even notice that glass cut into his hands until he was tossing the shards to a trashcan and droplets of blood fell. A whimper crawled up his throat while he inspected the small, deep cuts on his palms and wondered where they came from.

‘_You’re such a pathetic mess_’, Camille’s voice ridiculed unhelpfully in his head.

Magnus did his best to ignore it. Because finally he knew what to do. He made his way to the bathroom. Relieved that Alec got them a first aid kit, he cleaned and bandaged his hands the best as he could. At least some of his damages were fairly easy to fix, he mused bitterly.

That was when he noticed a bottle of sleeping pills.

Magnus was tired. So... damned... tired. Because he hadn’t slept properly since the attack. There, at the worst moment, he finally decided to use help.

/

Jace and Alec didn’t know about the accident the cab driver mentioned. Which was how they ended up stuck in the worst traffic jam in ages. When they wouldn’t have had a moment to waste.

Over the course of a painfully long hour Alec kept calling Magnus and several others, without managing to reach anyone. Then his phone’s battery died. He stared at the black screen helplessly until he was moving.

Jace gave him a wide-eyed look when he opened the vehicle’s door and jumped out. “Alec, it’s too far! You can’t run...!”

“Watch me”, Alec hissed, already on the move.

“Alec!”

Alec wasn’t planning on stopping. Not until he’d found Magnus. In the back of his head a ticking sound intensified while the feeling of time running out grew stronger.

/

Magnus had no idea how many pills he’d taken before he finally understood what he was doing. Drunk, drowsy and overwhelmed as he was, horror struck through him. What if he took too much...?

He wasn’t trying to...! He didn’t plan to...! He just wanted to sleep!

In a moment of clarity Magnus forced himself to throw up, determined to get as much of the medication as he could out of his system. He vomited the pills, the memories, the voices in his head.

When he was done his stomach, throat and heart hurt. But his head was quiet. As well as foggy and heavy. He was so tired that he could barely stay on his feet, and in a different frame of mind it might’ve alarmed him.

Maybe everything would seem better if he slept for a little while.

Moving slowly and clumsily, Magnus made his way to the bedroom. He landed on Alec’s side of the bed before he’d even decided to do so. His boyfriend’s familiar scent wrapped around him like a blanket. For a few stolen moments he didn’t feel sick and filthy.

Magnus dozed off.

/

Alec ran, ran and ran. For so long that his feet hurt and he tasted blood. By the time he reached the apartment building he could barely breathe. Not only for physical reasons.

“Magnus?” he panted as soon as he dashed into the apartment. The reek of alcohol was the first thing greeting him and he shuddered. “Magnus? Baby? Are you here?”

There was no reply, although he could immediately tell that his beloved was home. Feeling cold and shaken, Alec forced himself to walk towards their bedroom with long strides.

And there Magnus was. Fast asleep on their bed. Fighting to draw in a proper breath, Alec closed the distance between them. The closer he got, the clearer he could smell alcohol and sighed. “What have you done to yourself?” he murmured miserably. The last thing Magnus needed was more things to beat himself up for.

Alec shuddered when a phone started ringing in Magnus’ pocket. The older man didn’t stir when he fished out the item, touching the dancer as little as possible. “_Magnus, thank god...!_” Jace sighed. “_Alec is worried sick. Where are you?_”

At last Alec found his voice. “It’s me.” He swallowed hard. “He’s... He’s home. Passed out.”

Jace swore under his breath. “_Well. At least he’s safe._”

“Yeah.” Alec wrinkled his nose at the reek coming from their bathroom. “I’ve... gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

“_Okay._” Jace inhaled a deep breath. “_Remember that we’re all here for you, both of you, whenever you need us._”

Alec would’ve thanked his brother but couldn’t muster the words. He hung up, then marched towards the toilet. He was in a desperate need for something practical to do. Even if it was cleaning up vomit.

Alec got to work with his usual determination. Which was when he spotted something that made his blood turn to ice. There was a bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. He wouldn't have needed be a detective to deduce that far too many of them had been taken.

Just as he dashed back to Magnus someone entered the apartment. (Did he leave the door open?) “Alec? Magnus? Are you here? Jace called...” By then Izzy reached the bedroom and trailed off at the sight of them. “What the hell happened?” she demanded while hurrying closer.

Alec was exactly in a shock enough to be able to function. He took advantage of that, and delivered a coherent explanation. (Well, mostly coherent.) “He’s had a lot to drink. And he took sleeping pills. I don’t know how many. He threw up most of it, but...” He trailed off, there, what he was saying and the whole situation finally catching up with him. His hand shook while it clutched at Magnus’ desperately.

_Oh, god...!_

Izzy had always been phenomenal at working under intense pressure. Although worry oozed from her in waves, her hands were steady while she checked Magnus’ pupils and vitals. “His pulse is sluggish, but not alarmingly so. And he’s breathing well.” She fixed her sympathy filled eyes on him. “Alec, he’ll be fine.” (Physically, anyway.) “But he definitely needs to go to a hospital. Help me turn him to recovery position.”

Alec nodded slowly and mechanically did as he was told. While Izzy called for an ambulance, he combed his fingers through Magnus’ hair. His other hand tightened still around the dancer’s. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”, he breathed out. “That... That I couldn’t protect you. That I was too slow today. That I didn’t talk you into getting therapy sooner. I’m so sorry...!” He pressed their foreheads together, and hated that he was only allowed to do so because Magnus was out cold. “But, now... Now we’ll get you all the help you need, I promise.”

Magnus moved instinctively a little closer to him. It gave Alec a hint of comfort. So much of it that while the evening darkened outside, he almost dared to believe that the next dawn would start a better day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, gosh...! That was HEAVY. (takes a deep breath) Are you all okay? Let’s hope that our boys will be...!
> 
> SOOOOO... Good? Bad? PLEASE, do let me know your thoughts! Hearing from you ALWAYS makes me happy.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Magnus tries to take shaky steps towards recovery, with Alec beside him. In the meantime more of Jonathan’s victims come forward.
> 
> NEXT UDPATE COMING NEXT WEDNESDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	6. Start Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tries to take shaky steps towards recovery, with Alec beside him. In the meantime more of Jonathan’s victims come forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Wrapping up this chapter took longer than I anticipated. Buuuuut, hopefully the final result is decent...?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for you ABSOLUTELY AMAZING comments, love and support! I’m absolutely overjoyed that you’re all taking this emotional ride with me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Are you ready? Because here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

The first thing Magnus became aware of was a headache. The kind of a headache he hadn’t experienced in a very long time. He whimpered and clumsily buried his face to both hands. Shame made his nausea intensify tenfold.

What did he do...?

He wasn’t supposed to be like this, ever again...! He swore... To himself and Alec...

“Magnus?” A familiar, sleepy voice startled him to a point where he shivered. His willed his muscles to relax while Alec moved slowly. “Hey. Can you open your eyes for me?”

Magnus wasn’t sure he wanted to. Because seeing his boyfriend’s face would solidify just how badly he’d messed up, how much his drunken mistake had broken. (He was already broken and had broken enough...!) With an incredible amount of effort his eyelids parted a crack. Through a lot of blur and painfully bright light he saw a dark blob. A few moments later his beloved’s face came to focus. And Magnus’ heart broke.

Alec was pale. The man’s red, puffy eyes revealed that he’d been crying. Most likely proud tears he hadn’t allowed anyone to see.

It all hit Magnus like a bulldozer. The memories were so hazy that they could’ve easily been a trick of his imagination. Unfortunately he knew better, especially with how loudly his body reported of his stupidity.

He took a taxi home... Drank... far too much... Took those pills...

_Oh, god...!_ Alec must’ve found him. The situation, it had to look...

Magnus felt like someone was squeezing his chest and throat. “... sorry ...”, he croaked, then used up all his stubbornness to try again. “... ‘xander, I’m so sorry ... I didn’t ... wasn’t trying to ...” He wanted to keep explaining, needed to make sure that he man he loved understood. But his mouth was dry, his tongue felt too thick and he could barely breathe.

“Magnus, shh... Calm down, calm down.” Alec whole body shook from how badly the detective would’ve wanted to hold him. Magnus fought like a lion to pull himself together, so he wouldn’t upset them both further. Every motion deliberately slow, the taller man took the bed’s remote and helped the dancer to a sitting position. Almost immediately the pressure on Magnus’ chest eased significantly and they both breathed more easily. “Better?” Alec inquired.

Magnus nodded, his eyes cast downwards, and couldn’t bring himself to utter another word. Everything was too loud. The clattering from the hallway, two nurses talking, his own heartbeat...

“I didn’t want to die.” Magnus barely recognized his own voice. He still couldn’t quite face Alec, but he hoped that his tone conveyed how much he meant his words. “I don’t want to die.” He scratched at his arm, because idle hands only made him feel worse.

Very gently Alec halted his motions by grabbing his wrist. After a beyond tense moment they both melted to the contact. It took a mighty while before the younger man found his voice. “Finding you like that, it was... It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.”

Magnus squeezed his eyes closed. His stomach twisted while all of him prepared for something awful. “I’m sorry...”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I just...” Alec swallowed loudly. “I’m not mad at you, or disappointed. I’m sad, because I know how proud you’ve been of your sobriety. And now that asshole...” The detective trailed off.

“He didn’t put that bottle to my hands”, Magnus pointed out. Very quietly. “I did.”

It was impossible to tell if Alec was coherent enough to hear him. “I almost lost you.” The man sounded breathless, choked up. While emotions nearly boiled over their conversation was little more than whispering. “You could’ve died, because... because you’re really lost right now. And I can’t...” A sob broke out, tearing at both their hearts. “I don’t know what to do, how to support you. We need help.”

“I know.” It was a bitter pill to swallow. Magnus lost his mother to depression, and he’d had his struggles with the same issue. Admitting that he needed therapy again... It wasn’t easy. “I hate being like this.”

“And I hate seeing you like this.” Alec gave his hand a cautious little squeeze, and Magnus was relieved when his body didn’t instantly react negatively. “That’s why we’re working on getting you better. Together.”

Magnus really liked the sound of that. Perhaps it was selfish, and he dreaded that he’d drag Alec down to the dark with him. But after being and facing everything alone all his life... It felt amazing to have someone supporting him. He was baffled by the realization that he may have found someone who wouldn’t dump him when he got too much.

Magnus wanted to say a million things. But the talk so far already had drained him, and he was so exhausted that he could barely think. “I’m falling asleep on you”, he mumbled with regret.

“That’s okay.” Alec’s thumb rubbed a soothing circle on his palm, testing the motion. “Get some sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” _I’m not abandoning you, I’m not giving up on you._

Those unvoiced words lulled Magnus to sleep. It was the kind of rest that came with no dreams. Good or bad.

/

The past three days... They’d been the most terrifying ones in Alec’s life. Magnus going missing... Finding him passed out... And then, on the way to the hospital, Magnus started seizing. No matter how long Alec lived, he’d never forget how his beloved’s body jerked uncontrollably.

A doctor explained that the reaction was caused by all the alcohol Magnus consumed in an alarmingly short amount of time. The sleeping pills added to the mixture certainly didn’t make things easier on the dancer’s body. Almost immediately it became clear that Magnus would make it. But permanent damage couldn’t be ruled out fully until the man woke up.

Now Magnus had woken up. Tired but lucid, able to remember what happened. Physically undamaged. Yet Alec still couldn’t take a deep breath and relax.

What if something horrible would happen again, what if...?

“Alec?” Izzy’s voice startled him. (Her work uniform from the morgue revealed that she’d decided to use her lunch-break to check up on them.) She frowned upon seeing the look on his face, alarm filling her dark eyes. “Did something happen to Magnus?”

Alec shook his head almost frantically. His heart was racing and his lungs screamed for oxygen that’d been sucked from them. “Magnus, he woke up, and...” He shook his head again, unable to understand why he was so anxious now. “He remembered what happened. He didn’t try to... He said that he didn’t want to...” Completing such a horrible sentence proved to be impossible.

“Hey.” Izzy lay a hand on his back and massaged soothing circles. “It’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s okay. Just breathe, and let it all out.”

It didn’t seem like Alec had a whole lot of choice. So far he’d had his emotional outbursts in solitude. But in that moment he just couldn’t hold back his feelings anymore.

There in his sister’s safe embrace Alec broke down like never in his life, and it was the beginning of his healing.

/

One of the shrinks Valentine hired said that Jonathan Morgenstern was born without a moral compass. Living with Valentine, who solved all problems with money, certainly didn’t help. The businessman had long since lost track on how much he’d spent to keep his son’s disgusting deeds a secret.

Valentine supposed that he should’ve expected this. He should’ve understood that sooner or later, a day would come when Jonathan would mess up too badly. That eventually there’d be someone no amount of money in the world would silence.

Looking at a pamphlet’s picture of Magnus in all his performance glory, Valentine scowled. To imagine that someone... like that would tear to shreds his family’s reputation... “Despicable”, he hissed.

Valentine’s sour mood transformed to confusion when he saw a familiar redhead rushing towards the exit. “Clarissa?” He hated the way she tensed up at the sight of him. “What are you doing here?”

Clary hesitated. But in the end she met his eyes determinedly. “I just gave a statement. Of what Jonathan did to me when we were kids.”

Valentine’s eyes widened. “What? Clarissa, you can’t...!”

“You kept telling me that the way he touched me was normal! I...” Clary wiped her eyes angrily. “I was only ten. He was fifteen and much bigger, and he scared me. And you... Instead of protecting me and getting him help, you told me that what he did was normal. I believed you, because I trusted you! Because I loved you both! You even told me to hide it from mom. It’s... It’s the only secret I ever kept from her.”

That, the reminder of Jocelyn... It hurt, even several years after her passing. “I did get him help”, Valentine argued.

Clary snorted. “You sent him to a boarding school far away from home when you figured out how sick he is.” She wiped her eyes again and her hand shook pitiably. “And now... Now he attacked one of my best friends, one of the best people I know. Because I didn’t stop him.”

Valentine groaned. He hated the way his stomach twisted and turned. “Clarissa, don’t do this...!”

Clary’s eyes flashed. “Do you know what’s the most awful part? That I consider myself lucky, because he only touched me. Now I have to do what you should’ve done over a decade ago. Or I’ll never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.” She marched away without giving him the chance to say another word. The tears in her eyes were the most painful thing he’d ever seen.

He watched how a blonde-haired young man met with Clary and embraced her protectively. She melted to the comfort before the pair left together. And it hit Valentine that he’d lost both his children.

In an interview room Jonathan didn’t like the predatory look in Aline’s eyes when she entered. “What are you smirking about?” he demanded.

“Jonathan...!” his lawyer cautioned.

Aline lifted her chin. “Gossip travels fast. Someone heard about your attack on Magnus and decided to come forward.” She approached him like a predator and sat down purposefully slowly. “Let’s talk about your... date with Sebastian Verlac last September.”

/

The following day Magnus was so tense that it hurt when there was a knock. A woman in her early thirties entered his hospital room with a small smile. “I’m Dr. Daria Thomas. You were told that I’d stop by, right?” She went on after his nod. “I’m glad that you agreed to meet me before going home.”

Without meaning to Magnus sized her up like she was an opponent. She was petite but not fragile. Immediately he appreciated the fact that her wide-open white coat revealed the regular clothes underneath. He knew that he was being a moron, but it made him feel safer around her. There was sympathy but no pity in her hazel eyes while they met his as she sat down. Those eyes also proved to be observant. “I can immediately tell that my presence makes you feel uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to change that?”

“I’ve been... in a situation like this one before”, Magnus bit back bluntly. “So... There’s no need for the polite chitchat. We can get right to the part where you try to fix me.”

“Fix you?” Daria wrinkled her nose. “I hate those words. You’re not broken.”

Magnus snorted before he could stop himself from doing so. His eyes were full of loathing while he inspected his fingernails. The few remaining traces of long since chipped black nail polish sickened him. “You read my file, right? How can you say that?”

“I looked into your file, otherwise I’d have no idea how to help you.” Daria sounded calm and sure of her opinion. He found himself listening. “I saw pictures of how bruised you were, right after. Evidence of how hard you fought back. I also read what you did after swallowing those pills.” She gave him a moment. “The way I see it, you’re not broken. You’re trying to fight to recover from a massive trauma, you just don’t quite know how. I’m not arrogant enough to claim that I’m definitely the right person for the job. But if you let me, I’ll try my best to help you.”

Magnus looked at her. Really, honestly looked. He saw how serious and determined she was. A flicker of hope sparked inside him. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

/

Waiting outside the room while Magnus talked to the therapist was torture on Alec. When she eventually emerged, he stopped pacing with effort and folded his arms tightly to his chest. (Which didn’t halt the restless movements of his fingers.) “How is he?”

Whatever Daria saw on his face, it made her eyes soften. “I’m pretty sure that you know as well as I do that there’s a long, rough road waiting for Magnus. But I could already see how tough he is. Now that he’s admitted that he needs help, I’m hopeful.”

It wasn’t enough, of course. Yet Alec accepted even the slightest bit of optimism gladly. He nodded, not quite sure what to say.

“I know that you want to go back to him. But I think he needs a moment to himself. And I’d like to have a chat with you.”

Alec frowned. He did his best to not get defensive. “Why?”

Daria sighed. “Alec, you’ve been through a trauma, too. What happened to Magnus... I wouldn’t have to be a shrink to know that it’s eating on you.” She smiled softly. “To be there for him you need to look after yourself, too.”

Alec scowled and looked away. Since when was any of this mess about him? “What am I supposed to tell you? That the love of my life is suffering? That this is the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through?”

Daria shrugged. Not the slightest bit offended or taken aback. “That sounds like a good place to start.”

/

Later that day Magnus was exhausted but cautiously optimistic while wrapping Alec’s hoodie a little tighter around himself. He didn’t want to even glance towards a mirror, because he knew that he would’ve been repulsed by what he found. But he felt more comfortable than ever since the attack. Perhaps that was a start, pathetically small of a step as it was.

“Are you ready to go home?” Alec inquired.

“Definitely.” He wrinkled his nose and wondered if the reek of a hospital would ever be gone from him. “I hate this place.”

Alec smiled at the expression on his face, and finally it reached his eyes. “We could order some Chinese food from that favorite place of yours. I mean, to celebrate you getting home.”

Before, they went out to eat when they wanted to celebrate. Then to bed. Always. Magnus hated that his attacker had stolen that tradition from them, too. But he wasn’t about to let the change dampen his mood. “Sounds like a plan”, he declared with what he hoped to be a proper smile.

Alec opened his mouth, but never got the chance to utter what he would’ve wanted to say. Because just then the taller man’s phone received a message. It was incredibly good to hear his boyfriend laugh. “It’s Jace. They would’ve wanted to throw a surprise party, but didn’t think that it’d be a good idea.” For obvious reasons. “So, they arranged this instead.”

Curious, Magnus looked at the picture. Catarina, Jace, Clary, Simon, Isabelle, Maia, Helen, Aline, Andrew, Luke, Maryse, Max, Raphael, Lydia and even Lorenzo stood there. All of them were dressed in the most ridiculous party-outfits they’d been able to find while holding a banderole.

‘_WELCOME HOME, MAGNUS! WE’RE ALL CHEERING FOR YOU TWO._’

The couple exchanged a warm look, both beyond grateful for the amazing support network they had.

Ten minutes later they waited for an elevator and Magnus finally decided what he wanted to do. Very slowly, not wanting to freak out and make them both feel worse, he stepped as close to Alec as he could. He leaned first his head, then his whole body against his boyfriend. The detective shivered from surprise before relaxing as well. In a comfortable silence they got used to feeling each other’s body heat again.

It wasn’t much. Especially for a couple that once couldn’t keep their hands off each other. And there was still an unexplainable, invisible distance between them. But finally they had hope that one day they’d be able to close it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that a step forward? I think it was. (smiles) Poor Malec! It WILL be a rough road to recovery still, but at least they’re at a start.
> 
> In case you’re wondering... Yes, Magnus and Clary WILL talk about the... twist mentioned in this chapter.
> 
> Soooo... Was that any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: A still struggling Magnus tries to prepare for the oncoming trial.
> 
> NEXT UPDATE COMING THIS SATURDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	7. Rediscover Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good days and bad days occur while Magnus struggles to keep recovering. Several people offer him and Alec support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter became WAY longer than I anticipated. But I couldn’t bring myself to edit out anything, so... (smirks sheepishly) Hope you guys don’t mind...?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your love and support for this story! Writing this isn’t always a picnic. So it means A LOT that you’re out there, eager to read more. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Are you ready? Because here we go! Let’s see how our boys are doing...

One of the great many things Magnus and Alec had in common was how passionate they were about their respective careers. Two weeks after he was discharged from the hospital Magnus finally managed to convince his boyfriend that he didn’t need constant supervision. He had regular therapy sessions and he’d even attended to a couple of AA-meetings. He was still a mess, but he did his best to find his footing again. He refused to be a burden that kept the man he loved from living properly while he struggled to recover.

Magnus wanted his own life back, too. So he entered the dance studio for the first time since the attack. It was very early and no one else was in yet. Which gave him the perfect opportunity to get readjusted to everything in peace and quiet.

It was strange how much bigger the familiar space seemed than before. Willing himself to not tense up, Magnus put on soft, soothing music. Then, slowly, elegantly and carefully, he got started, testing every motion and his muscles’ reactions to them.

His attacker forced himself on him, violated his body. Now, while dancing, he was in absolute control over everything. His body belonged to him and no one else. It was incredibly empowering.

Stretching away the tension that’d been building up for several nightmarish weeks was like heaven.

With every loosening knot on his spine he breathed more easily.

He straightened his posture to his full height, and finally felt like himself again.

He spun experimentally, once, twice, and experienced the kind of freedom he’d craved desperately.

He spun a third time, and the phantom sensation of unwanted hands on him vanished, at least momentarily.

He jumped to land gracefully, and the sense of control was intoxicating.

Magnus knew that it’d take a while before his mind would recover. But his body... It was familiar to him again. For the first time since the attack his smile reached his eyes.

/

Magnus didn’t know that he had audience. Lorenzo had been about to enter the training room but changed his mind upon seeing him. Instead the other dancer grabbed a phone, snatched a picture and sent it to Alec.

‘_See? He’s perfectly fine. Now stop bombarding my phone._’

If there was a fond smile on Lorenzo’s face when he saw his greatest rival’s and perhaps friend’s joy... No one would have to know. He had a reputation to uphold.

/

That evening Alec came home to hear French music. Which brought a smile to his lips, because it was always a sign that Magnus was in a good mood. The scent of what was sure to be a delicious meal made his mouth water. “Magnus?” he called out, as was his habit. Especially after... Well.

He hadn’t noticed his chest tightening until Magnus’ voice made it loosen. “Kitchen.” The man’s nose was scrunched up critically when Alec entered the room. “Does this have too much chili?”

Alec accepted a spoonful eagerly. The initial flavor was a little sharp, but soon settled to something heavenly. “It’s perfect”, he declared. As he’d grown used to doing recently, he took a step closer. A satisfied sigh slipped from him when his boyfriend leaned on him, relaxed and content.

“Someone sounds happy to be home”, Magnus observed with amusement while continuing to cook.

Alec groaned. “I forgot how frustrating criminals can be.” He ached to kiss the top of Magnus’ head and told himself firmly that they were getting there. He smiled when the smaller man started to hum along with the music. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yes.” Magnus’ sincerity was the best part of all. “A very good day.”

They enjoyed each other’s company, for a while oblivious to their furry audience. Chairman, who’d been hoping for a snack, sat almost right next to the stove. The cat started to purr loudly when Alec scratched him from behind the ear. On a cat bed at the furthest corner of the room Church opened one eye to inspect the situation and huffed grumpily. Then started purring, too.

/

Good days like that one helped with the horrible ones. Such followed not much later. On a rainy morning Magnus woke up slowly and in one of his dark moods. It was easy to see that even talking took great effort. Seeing him like that was terrifying and agonizing.

“I can call Luke that I won’t be able to come in”, Alec offered.

Magnus, who was by then huddled on their couch with a worried looking Chairman and coffee, shook his head. (Even Church had flopped unceremoniously on the man’s legs. Clearly their old and grumpy furry devil was concerned, too.) “You’ve put everything on hold because of me enough. I’ll be fine.” Those words might’ve been far more convincing if there wasn’t a haunted look in the dancer’s eyes. And if the man would’ve looked at him instead of staring at the rain outside.

“Is this a Red-Light Day?” It was a horribly blunt term Daria taught them. With a stern command to never, ever answer with a lie when that question had been asked.

Finally they made proper eye-contact. Magnus shook his head as firmly as he could in his current frame of mind. “No. Yellow Light.” Tough, but manageable.

It wasn’t ideal. But they’d have to make do. Alec ensured that Magnus was as comfortable as possible, then headed to work with a heavy heart. On his way there he sent a message with his phone.

Of course Jace noticed that something was wrong. Alec shared as much as he could without getting to the kind of parts Magnus wouldn’t have wanted others to know. “I just... After finding him the way I did...” He swallowed when nausea rose to his throat. “I’m scared.” Admitting it out loud made him feel a fraction lighter.

“I get that”, Jace assured softly. And squeezed his shoulder supportively. “Today’s a bad day. But he’ll make it through. You both will.”

Alec tried to will himself to believe that. He glanced towards his brother. “How can you know?”

Andrew interjected. “Hasn’t he told you? He’s psychic.”

Jace rolled his eyes. “I say that once. As a joke...!”

“You were bragging. We don’t forget about bragging here.” Aline glanced towards what Andrew carried and wrinkled her nose. “Are those gummy worms? Gross.” 

Andrew huffed. “Blame Lorenzo. He got me addicted to them.”

Alec came close to smiling while observing the trio bickering back and forth childishly. It was a silly, rather short break before they focused on actual work. But it did the trick, along with the office’s air that was full of companionship and support. (Especially now that Aldertree and Raj weren’t polluting it.) Alec managed to hold his head together for the rest of the day.

/

Drowsy and exhausted in a manner that was in no way physical, Magnus checked the time. He had four more hours to kill before his session with Daria and he didn’t feel like doing anything. Maybe he should just sleep.

That possibility was laid to rest when there was a knock on the apartment’s door. “_Magnus?_” Izzy called out. “_Is it okay to use the spare key?_” (They’d given her one after his pill fiasco.)

Truthfully, Magnus didn’t want company. But he also knew that being alone in his current mental state wasn’t a good idea. “Of course.” He quirked a suspicious eyebrow when she entered. “Alec asked you to check up on me, didn’t he?”

Izzy shrugged. “Maybe. But I was already getting bored with my day off, so I was more than happy to come.” She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a movie like it was a white flag. “’Singin’ in the Rain’?” ‘_I know that you’re not okay and I’d like to stay for a while, so you won’t have to be not okay alone_’, her eyes said.

Magnus’ eyes softened. Her genuine care was disarming. “You’re the only one who loves that movie as much as I do.”

“I know. The people around us have no taste.” Izzy put a disc to a player, then made herself comfortable with him and the cats on the couch. (Miraculously Church only glared at her.) And so they started watching in a companionable silence.

“Isabelle?” Magnus murmured somewhere during the film. “Thank you.”

Slowly, giving him every chance to reject the approach, she took his hand. Then gave it a light squeeze. “You never have to thank me for looking after one of my favorite people in the world. Now focus on the movie. This is my favorite scene.”

/

Despite Jace, Izzy and friends reassuring Alec that Magnus was as okay as possible, he dreaded coming home. His alarm grew when he noticed that there were barely any lights on. “Magnus?” he called out, his throat tighter than it should’ve been.

The nine seconds before he got an answer were some of the longest he’d ever suffered through. “Balcony.” Magnus’ quiet, strained voice wasn’t exactly reassuring.

Alec headed to the given direction with a deep frown on his face. He found his boyfriend leaning against the railing, eyes cast towards the sky above. Every single cell in his body wanted to pull the smaller man as far from the edge as possible. “Rough session?” Well, he had to start from somewhere.

Magnus nodded slowly, then swallowed loudly. “This entire day... has been rough. Because it brought back a lot of unpleasant memories.” Every word was a struggle, but such his beloved won. “It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death.”

Alec’s stomach clenched. “Magnus...!” He should’ve stayed home...!

Magnus lifted a hand. “Alexander, please, I... I have to finish. While I can.” The man breathed in deep, gaze falling downwards while a weight landed on his shoulders. “I’ve told you that my mother ended her own life. And that I found her. But... I’ve never explained why she couldn’t love me.” Magnus wiped his eyes so quickly that it would’ve been easy to miss. “Daria... She suggested that I should.”

Alec nodded, not daring to interrupt something that was visibly painful to say.

Magnus didn’t seem to notice his response. “She was only fifteen when she became pregnant. Her teacher... He manipulated her into having sex with him. Based on what I know, it was closer to a rape than something consensual. He said that she brought it upon herself.” The man seemed to feel sick. “Her parents, her whole family, and even the village... They cast her out. Deemed her filthy. She was left all alone, ashamed and terrified.” Magnus’ next few breaths shuddered. “She wanted to get rid of me, but didn’t have the courage. I was her responsibility, her burden and punishment. Then she met my stepfather. She was a beautiful girl, and he fell in love with her the second he saw her. I was an unfortunate byproduct.”

Alec had difficulties with holding back his own tears. To imagine the pain both the mother and son experienced... It overwhelmed him, and he could only imagine how his boyfriend felt.

“I’ve been... processing that information since my stepfather had the kindness to share it all with me. In his own lovely words.” Magnus’ bitter tone made clear how horribly the story had been rubbed on his face. “Most days... Most days I can shake off the reality of why I exist. But, since my own attack...” The club owner scowled. “I can’t get it out of my head.”

Alec thought about his next words long and hard. He hoped that he chose the right ones. “Maybe you were born out of something horrible. But you turned out to be amazing, and I’m sorry your mother couldn’t see that. I’m grateful that you’re in my life. Every day.”

Despite clearly apparent effort Magnus couldn’t say a word. Instead the man leaned his head against Alec’s shoulder, and finally let the tears come. The already darkened evening around them felt a little less heavy.

/

Before everything fell apart Magnus and Clary had a habit. They went jogging at least three times a week, to exercise, blow off steam and gossip. Lately something had been... off. The dancer could tell, even if his mind was in a state of chaos.

Clary avoided him whenever she could. When they were together, she was quieter than usual. Eventually he decided that he wasn’t going to let her get away with it.

They were running on a path in their favorite park, trees providing them with shelter and crispy morning air biting their cheeks pleasantly. There was no one else around. Seeing his friend’s tension, Magnus decided that the time had come. “Biscuit...” He hesitated for a moment. “I may be... struggling. But that doesn’t keep me from noticing when there’s something wrong with those I care about.” They stopped, both of them panting, and he gave her a look. Her paleness affirmed his suspicions. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

It took some time for Clary to convince herself to start. But in the end she did tell him everything. How her brother touched her, how it scared her. How her father told her to keep it a secret. “I should’ve never listened to him. If... If I didn’t, then maybe Jonathan would’ve been stopped, and you would’ve never been...” The first tears rolled, and she couldn’t seem to stop them. “Magnus, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry...!”

In whichever way Clary had expected Magnus to react, she shivered when he pulled her to a tender hug. “What happened to you... And what happened to me... It wasn’t your fault. Any of it.” He sighed when she clung to him with some hesitation. (Clearly wondering how much he could deal with. Her petite frame made it fairly easy to remember that this wasn’t his attacker, a threat.) “You were only a child back then, and you trusted Valentine. You spoke up now. I’m proud of you.”

Clary sniffled. “I almost lost you.” Clearly that was easier to focus on than what her own brother and father did to her.

“But you didn’t. I’m not going anywhere”, Magnus swore. He was more determined than ever to face this battle beside her, no matter how hard it got.

/

Maryse Garroway knew that she’d made a regrettable amount of mistakes as a mother. The biggest of them, without a doubt, was the way she initially reacted to Alec’s coming out and to his relationship with Magnus. She turned her back on her son when he was at his most vulnerable. And she openly despised the best thing that’d ever happened to him, the most precious person in her oldest’s life. Brief as her hostility was, she’d regret it and keep making up for it for the rest of her life.

Fortunately Alec and Magnus both had enormous, forgiving hearts. They gave her a second chance to be a part of their lives. That evening a little over six weeks after the attack she gladly attended to a dinner at their apartment. It was the first time in weeks they arranged a dinner, after all.

It was a small affair, likely to avoid overwhelming Magnus. Only she, Izzy, Simon, Jace and Clary participated. (Luke would’ve come, too, if it wasn’t for work.) Yet it was easy to tell that her son-in-law was nervous and tense. Every louder sound and faster movement made him shudder. Some of it melted, however, as the evening progressed. While laughter and happy chatter filled the room he looked almost like the Magnus Bane she’d known, even without makeup and styled hair. All of them could see that. And when they toasted with water, they cheered. Because after everything such a lovely event felt like a victory.

Maryse was pleased when Magnus felt comfortable enough to hug her goodbye. She smiled while holding him back. “Thank you for this”, she murmured. “I had a wonderful time.”

“It was my pleasure.” Which it clearly was, although it wasn’t entirely easy on him. “We wanted to thank you all, for your support. I know who those delicious meals on my first weeks home came from.”

With a splash of warmth Maryse realized that a piece of the man who declared with fire that he’d fight for her son’s happiness was back.

Just before the door closed Maryse realized that she forgot her purse. She hurried back to the apartment. And saw something she wasn’t supposed to.

In the kitchen Alec was doing dishes when Magnus joined him, stood only a breath away. The club owner’s determination was almost palpable. Of course her son noticed.

Alec arched an eyebrow. “Magnus? What’s... going on?”

Magnus licked his lips. The dancer seemed oddly nervous. “I’m... going to try something. I want to do something. And... I need you to not move.”

Alec nodded slowly, confusion and thrill flickering in his eyes.

Magnus inhaled a deep breath, like someone preparing for a dive. Then closed his eyes before leaning forward and upwards. A surprised and delighted little exhale left Alec when their lips met. The taller man’s hands twitched before he remembered what he promised and crossed his arms behind his back. Clearly determined to not ruin the beautiful moment.

The kiss was very brief and almost shy, like they were getting to know each other all over again. When it ended the two men didn’t step away from each other immediately. Eyes still closed, they inhaled each other’s scents.

Magnus’ whisper was barely audible. “I’ve missed doing that. I’ve missed you.”

Alec whispered back something that didn’t carry all the way to where Maryse stood. Nor was it any of her business. Deciding not to pry further, she left soundlessly, with a smile on her face.

Her boys had a long, rough road ahead of them still, but they had everything they needed to make it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is trying SO HARD to recover. And he’s got the PERFECT support. (sniffles) Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the progress continues!
> 
> Soooo... How was that? Any good? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: The trial finally begins. How will Magnus handle it?
> 
> NEXT UPDATE COMING NEXT WEDNESDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	8. Face the Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus prepares for giving his statement. Both he and Alec struggle with the feelings and memories it proves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iiiiiit’s updating time! But, first...
> 
> THANK YOU, a thousand times, for all your amazing comments, love and support! Every bit of love inspires me more than you know. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Are you ready? Because here we go. I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

Over the next couple of weeks Alec started to find tiny notes from Magnus everywhere. It could be a ‘_Don’t forget to grab lunch_’ from his favorite coffee mug. Or a ‘_Have a good day_’ from his shoe. Or a ‘_You have a beautiful smile, show it at least twice today_’ revealed by steam gathering on the bathroom mirror. His favorite one yet was the one he found from his car keys. ‘_Stay safe. I love you._’ It was such a simple truth his boyfriend wasn’t about to let him forget, no matter what. After several days of confusion a session with Daria helped Alec figure out what the notes were about. Magnus was testing a new way of caring for him while they struggled to rediscover the more physical aspects of their relationship.

Magnus gave Alec a delicate little kiss every now and then. During which the younger man still wasn’t allowed to touch, but at least the length grew each time. Magnus still slept in the guest room, needing the space and not wanting to bother Alec constantly with his nightmares. But they often slept with a clothing item from the other nearby, both dreaming of a day when they’d be physically close, too. They also talked, probably more than they ever had during the time they’d been together.

They were both trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. To build a healthy routine. It was actually working. So well, in fact, that they almost forgot about the greatest challenge they’d have to face.

One sunny day Alec raced from the bathroom to kitchen when he hard a mug crashing to the floor. He found Magnus pale, trembling and visibly shaken. “What’s wrong?” he demanded instantly.

“It’s... Lydia called.” Magnus’ tone suggested that his mind was somewhere far away. “They’ve set the date for my testimony.”

/

The club looked like a whole another world before it was opened for the night.

Magnus had only managed to take a couple of steps from the main entrance. He stood there barely able to breathe, eyes glazed over while memories threatened to get too much. His stomach flipped upside down when his gaze strayed momentarily towards the toilet’s door.

It was his place, once. He felt safe there, once. Now...

He went there in hopes of clearing his head and memories. To be sure that he wouldn’t forget anything when he was questioned. And perhaps because he was desperate to feel like it was his place again. He’d hoped to feel at least a hint of control. He’d wanted to feel like he was more than just a victim.

It seemed that his stupid plan backfired miserably. 

“Magnus?” Maia’s voice startled him to a point where he shuddered. He didn’t manage to calm down fully even after recognizing her. “Hey. Are you okay?”

No, he wasn’t. The weight of the whole world had been placed on his body and he couldn’t think or breathe. He needed to get out, but taking even a single step proved to be too much.

Maia seemed to understand. Moving very slowly and carefully, and using as little physical contact as possible, she steered him out of the club. Magnus tried his best, but in the end his legs failed to support him. He slumped to a filthy alley, his face buried in his hands. Under different circumstances it would’ve appalled him. At the moment all he had the emotional capacity for was breathing. It took some time before he noticed that his friend had taken a seat beside him. “Maia, you don’t have to...”

Maia cut him short with a wave of her hand. “This is where you need to be right now. So this is where I’ll be right now. End of discussion.”

Magnus couldn’t find his voice to thank her. He didn’t quite lean on Maia, but was close enough to feel her warmth. And wondered what he’d done right to deserve such a wonderful friend.

/

The approaching court-date was getting to Alec, too. Even if he would’ve never admitted it to Magnus, who already had more than enough to deal with. Two mornings after the date had been set he woke up from a nightmare with a loud, strangled gasp. It took far too long before it all faded.

Magnus, bleeding and bruised... Calling out to him... Until there was no fight left in him at all...

Still trying to pull himself together, Alec opened a drawer and fished out a notebook. With as much detail as he could stand he wrote down the nightmare, just like Daria instructed. It joined the descriptions of great many other horrible dreams. Then he closed the notebook. Almost immediately the nightmare released some of its chokehold. And Alec breathed.

His thoughts were coaxed elsewhere when he heard Magnus’ voice from the kitchen. His boyfriend was scolding one or both of their cats. And then he heard something amazing. Laughter.

Alec hadn’t realized how much he’d missed Magnus’ laughter until at that moment, and the emotional overload brought tears to his eyes.

By the time Alec was composed enough to enter the kitchen there was flour everywhere. Magnus was doing everything he could to clean up the mess while their cats observed, trying to seem innocent. “Good morning, Alexander. I... wanted to bake something for breakfast but our furry devils had other plans.” Seeing the look on his face the club owner arched an eyebrow. “What?”

Alec smiled. He didn’t even try to stop himself. “You have strawberry jam on your cheek.”

Magnus hesitated. But only for a second. “Kiss it away?”

Alec did. Gently and with no fuss, like it wasn’t a big deal. After that they continued to clean up together, as though nothing remarkable just happened.

Both could feel a wound deep inside them and between them healing a little.

/

A few days of thinking and a session with Daria later Magnus finally figured out what might help him. Alec wasn’t necessary happy about it, but supported him after he sold the idea well enough. He wanted hand-to-hand training. So he’d hopefully never feel defenseless and powerless again. Alec couldn’t possibly help him, because his boyfriend wouldn’t have dared to do it properly. Jace, a skilled fighter and someone they both trusted, was the best albeit hesitant option.

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” Jace demanded while they stood at the dance studio.

Magnus managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Just. “Jace, for the tenth time. Yes, I’m sure.” His heart was beating a little too fast and his thoughts would’ve started scattering all over the place if he let them. But he wasn’t anxious, or on the edge of losing control. In fact, he felt empoweringly in control.

“And you remember the safe-word?”

Magnus nodded. “Duck.” He shook his head. “What is that thing with you and ducks?”

“Magnus, concentrate.” Jace fidgeted nervously. “If this gets too much, at any point, tell me. Immediately.”

“I will”, Magnus swore, suddenly serious. For this to have the desired impact, they’d have to be on the same page and utterly honest. His eyes softened when he saw the genuine worry in the other’s eyes. “I trust you, just like Alec does.”

Those words visibly meant a lot. Jace nodded sharply, putting on his professional face. Then rolled his shoulders. “Alright. Let’s get started.”

And get started they did. Magnus didn’t have a whole lot of prior martial arts training, but he was an excellent dancer. With his natural balance and effortlessly smooth moves facing Jace’s attacks was fairly easy. In fact, what they did felt a lot like dancing. Magnus found himself getting comfortable with the soon familiar pattern. Enough so for their at times close proximity to not bother him.

Kick, punch, spin, dodge, repeat, over and over again – like a routine he’d repeated a million times.

Jace seemed to notice the way his mind worked. The detective grinned when they took a pause, both men panting. “Having fun?”

Magnus didn’t quite smile. But he could feel that a tiny bit of spark lit up in his eyes. “Yes.” He then repeated a command Jace had given several times. “Again!”

/

The day of Magnus’ testimony was upon them far faster than Alec and the dancer would’ve been ready for it. Not that any amount of time would’ve been enough to brace them. Every single one of their friends and family offered to be there but they declined. Having such a crowd around them on such an emotional day would’ve been overwhelming.

The trial was strictly closed and even if it wasn’t Magnus wouldn’t have let Alec in. There were great many horrible details of that day he didn’t want the detective to know. Right before the dancer was invited in they held hands, tightly and desperately. The moment that hold broke and the man he loved more than anyone walked away was one of the worst Alec had ever lived through.

The man who raped Magnus was likely somewhere in that very building. Alec wanted to find him, and kill him, with the kind of bloodthirst he’d never experienced before. He wanted to smash something and scream, from the bottom of his heart and soul. He wanted to finally stop feeling useless. Yet all he could do was sit there, frozen so still that he was barely breathing, while his phone bleeped continuously as supportive messages rained in.

“I was hoping that I’d get here before Magnus would have to go in.” Daria sounded worried and irritated. “I hate the traffic of this city.”

Alec clenched his jaw. “He didn’t sleep last night, or eat anything today. I couldn’t even get him to hold still for longer than five seconds.”

Daria sighed and took a seat beside him. “I know that this is absolutely horrible. And unfair. But this is also the only way to ensure that the one who did this to him will pay.”

“Will he pay?” Alec didn’t mean to sound so bitter. “Because right now... The way I see it, Magnus is the one paying the price.”

“Not the only one.” Daria’s eyes seemed to see far too much. “We’ve been through several sessions together, and I know how much you hate talking about yourself. But I think we need to talk about you for a moment.”

In an instant Alec became defensive. What was this all about? They were supposed to focus on Magnus! “I’m fine”, he hissed.

“No, you’re not.” It didn’t sound like an accusation. “Magnus asked me to be here for you today. He knows that you’re hurting and he’s terrified, because he’s too emotionally raw to help you.” Daria’s words brought his chaotic thoughts to a screeching stop. “So will you let me help? For his sake?”

An hour later Alec was splashing cold water on his face with shaking hands when he received a message he actually paid attention to. It was Lydia, their friend who also happened to be a phenomenal lawyer. ‘_It’s finally over. He needs you._’

Well, Alec needed Magnus, too.

The two waited for him a short distance away from the courtroom. Lydia had a frown on her face. Magnus seemed about as shaken as he did on the day of the attack.

“Magnus did amazingly”, Lydia reported. (Yet clearly it all took a toll on the older man.) “It’s up to the jury, now.”

Magnus pleaded quietly before the detective could ask, purposefully not looking at him. “Get me home. Alexander, please, get me out of here.”

“How about I get you both home?” Catarina approached them with an expression of pure sympathy. “I won’t stay, unless you want me to. But neither of you is in the condition to drive right now and I want to make sure that you make it home safely.”

Neither of the exhausted men had it in them to refuse the friendly support.

/

It was no surprise that the day following the trial was a Red-Light Day. All the pictures and questions... They were too much on Magnus, even if he held himself together remarkably well in the courtroom. As soon as Alec got him home he crawled to bed, too out of it to be surprised that he made it that far.

The following morning Magnus couldn’t get up. He wasn’t sad or angry, not really, just empty. His body was ridiculously heavy and exhaustion clouded his mind. All he wanted to do was sleep, although no amount of rest made him feel refreshed.

Even in that state he was aware of how seeing him at his worst tore Alec apart. He wanted to tell his boyfriend to go to work and let him be sorry for himself for a while. But he didn’t have enough breath and energy for so many words.

He registered dimly that Alec left the room at some point. He had no idea for how long. He shivered awake from light sleep when the guest room’s bed dipped. Alec settled down as close as he could stand, slowly to check from his tension what the right distance was.

The silence lingered. “Luke asked me to give you his best.” Alec went on when a nod was the only reaction he could muster. “Do you want me to call Daria?”

Magnus shook his head. He didn’t want anyone else there. And he wanted Alec to stop worrying, wanted to stop dragging the man he loved down. “I’m sorry”, he whispered. He should’ve been stronger than this...!

“Magnus.” Alec’s tone was firm but not unkind. “Can you look at me?”

Magnus turned with effort. They both lay on their side, facing each other. They’d done a lot of pillow talk over the course of their relationship but never like that.

Alec’s gaze was steel-hard and incredibly vulnerable all at once. “You have nothing to apologize for. Okay? What you’ve been through... How you feel right now... It’s not your fault.”

Magnus wondered with frustration how long it’d take before he’d believe that. He nodded, though, because he refused to give up trying. He hoped that Alec wouldn’t stop trying, either.

“Today’s a bad day. Because yesterday you had to go through something that would’ve been too much for anyone. So we’ll stay in bed, and wait for it to pass by. Together.” Alec waited for those words to sink in. “And then we’ll get up to face another day. Together.”

Magnus wasn’t in the kind of a state of mind where he could appreciate that fully. But he tried, with all he had. “I love you”, he murmured. Needing to use what reserves he had for uttering something of which he had no doubt.

Alec’s eyes, sad and far too old for someone so young’s, softened. “I love you, too.”

They both used those softly whispered words as a comforting balm while Magnus fought a war against the demons snarling in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is fighting through this SO HARD. And so is Alec. (sighs) Let’s hope that those poor dears manage to achieve full recovery. AND that Jonathan will be sentenced, as he deserves to be!
> 
> SOOOO... How was that? Any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment means the world to me.
> 
> NEXT UPDATE COMING THIS SATURDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	9. Find Your Way Out of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the testimony over with, Magnus keeps fighting to recover. Two of his nearest and dearest are having a tough time, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m SO SORRY that I’m a day late! Real life got in the way. (winces) I had the option to post something rushed yesterday, or something I’m satisfied with today. I chose the latter option.
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so much, for your AMAZING comments, kudos, bookmarkings and support! You’re AWESOME. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. It’s go-time! I REALLY hope that this chapter is worth the slightly longer wait.

It was three in the following afternoon before Magnus finally managed to get up from the bed. The simple action sucked out what little energy he’d found. Every movement was uncharacteristically stiff and seemed to hurt.

Alec had no idea what to do, how to help. And it was killing him. Magnus didn’t want food and certainly wasn’t receptive to physical comfort. Talking was obviously far too much effort. So they spent the horrible, endless day watching bad reality-TV in a lead-heavy silence.

Eventually even horrible days do end. With a loud sigh Alec settled to their bed that felt painfully lonely without the man he loved. He braced himself for another long, cold night. This time things went differently.

Magnus had retreated to the guest room much earlier. Alec was surprised to hear restless pacing behind the bedroom door. Until slow, almost shy steps entered. He very nearly held his breath while waiting for Magnus to make up his mind.

In the end Magnus gulped in a loud inhale. Then closed the distance between himself and the bed before settling down. Few things had ever felt as good and right as the familiar body occupying the previously cold spot. Alec fell asleep with a smile on his face. Soothed by the knowledge that Magnus seemed to have found his way back to where he belonged.

Magnus never slept in the guest room after that.

/

One step to recovery is assessing which wounds have hope of healing and which ones don’t. So much-needed energy wouldn’t be wasted on lost causes. Four more weeks meandered by before Magnus came to a decision.

“Are you sure about this?”

Magnus smiled almost fondly. “For the tenth time, yes.” He looked at the official document he already signed. “I started that club from scratch and I hate letting it go. But how am I supposed to run a place I can’t stand spending time in?” He focused on his companion. “Besides, I know that you’ll take a good care of it. You’re the only one I can imagine selling it to.”

“I’ll run it just like you would”, Maia swore. She nudged at his side gently with her elbow. “I did learn everything I needed to from the best.”

Alec entered the living room a couple of minutes after Maia left. Stood close enough for it to be comforting, but didn’t touch. “Are you okay?”

“It stung, but I’ll live.” Magnus glanced towards his boyfriend, and made another decision. “A hug would be appreciated, though.”

Alec’s surprised stun lasted only for a moment. Then, every movement slow and tender, the man wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. It took a couple of sharp inhales before Magnus’ brain finally realized who it was holding him. That he wanted the embrace.

Also slow and inquisitive, Magnus hugged back, listening to the messages of both their bodies. Alec’s familiar scent and comforting warmth sealed the deal, made him melt. He hadn’t realized how touch-starved he’d been. Based on Alec’s contented sigh it was the same for him. 

“Good tears or bad tears?”

_Oh._ Magnus hadn’t noticed that he was crying. He was too comfortable to be humiliated. “Good tears.” Mostly, anyway. But at the moment he didn’t have the energy or will to explain something so complex.

“Okay.”

It took twenty minutes before either of them moved or uttered another sound.

/

The six weeks following Magnus’ testimony passed by in a haze. The dancer fought on and continued to heal, one painful step at a time. Alec stood by him, only leaving his boyfriend out of his sight to go to work. And although he knew, on a level of reason, that his beloved was doing better he still dreaded what’d await him when he returned home.

It was an exhausting way to live. To use all his reserves to focus at work. And then come home, which was supposed to be a place of safety and serenity, fearing the worst until he heard Magnus’ voice. Even the strongest of people couldn’t go on like that forever. One day the detective inevitably reached his breaking point.

That afternoon Alec didn’t find Magnus at all. Panic struck him with enough force to take his breath away while he called out, over and over again. There was no answer. There wasn’t even a note.

What if there’d been another attack? Or another accidental overdose? What if this was a Red-Light Day he missed? What if he'd been useless and too slow again? What if...? What if...?

Alec tried to call Catarina but she didn’t pick up. His hands fumbled as badly as his head while he was about to try Clary next. Just as the phone slipped from his grasp and he emitted a curse that sounded like a sob the apartment’s door opened.

“Alexander? What...?” A pair of supportive arms steadied him when his knees buckled. “Shh, shh... Let’s get you to the couch.”

Alec had no idea how he got to the mentioned location. The whole world spun, and his eyes were oddly blurry. His breathing wheezed while he fought to make sense of things.

“I need you to breathe”, Magnus instructed softly. “In... Out... And again... That’s good, you’re doing well.”

Alec wanted to cling to Magnus, desperately. But even in that state of mind he held himself back, the fear of triggering the man he loved making him panic further. “... weren’t here ... couldn’t find you ...”

“I’m so sorry about that.” Magnus caressed his hair, which felt ridiculously good. “I... needed a good run after my session with Daria. I thought I’d be home before you.”

Magnus’ scent, touch and voice helped pull Alec back to reality. He swallowed with difficulty, embarrassment spiking while sheer terror eased. “I... I don’t know why I’m reacting like this”, he wheezed. “... is stupid ...” He was supposed to be stronger than this! What the hell was wrong with him?

“There’s nothing stupid about the way you feel.” It was impossible to tell if Magnus hesitated or simply gave him some time. (Did it matter?) “You’ve been bottling up your emotions since the attack. They were bound to come out eventually.” The dancer had a torn look in his eyes. “I should’ve noticed sooner.”

Alec shook his head instantly. “... couldn’t have ...”, he argued, pleased that speech came slightly more easily. How was his boyfriend supposed to notice something even he’d missed before this? He swallowed and breathed again, testing the motions. Almost effortless. Unfortunately embarrassment wasn’t going anywhere. He sighed and rubbed his face roughly with one hand. “... don't wanna be like this ...”

Magnus hummed. “I know. But you need to let it all out before you can feel better.” The older man gave him a couple of minutes before continuing. “Here’s what I’m thinking. You cancelled your sessions with Daria because you didn’t think that you need them anymore. You should start them again.” The man went on faster than he could protest, a pacifying hand still playing with his hair. “I’m getting better. It’s...” The dancer cleared his throat when his voice cracked. “It’s been tough, to accept that I’ll never be exactly the same again. But I’m getting better. I want you to get better, too.” When he said nothing, Magnus went on. “We will get through this, Alexander. And we’ll do it together.”

/

Later that week Magnus held Alec’s hand while they sat in Daria’s waiting room just before the detective’s first solo-session in a while would start. The younger man wondered why the therapist smiled upon seeing him. (Much later he learned that she was relieved.)

“I’m surprised that you came”, Daria admitted when it was just the two of them.

Alec shrugged and looked at a painting on the wall to avoid the therapist’s gaze. It was a beautiful artwork, of a bird rising to its wings. He decided that he liked it and wondered why the style seemed familiar. “I... had a bit of a breakdown a few days ago”, he confessed reluctantly. “Magnus helped me through it. He swore to me that we’ll get through this. We just... We need help.”

“Sounds like quite the breakthrough”, Daria acknowledged.

“I know.” Alec blinked once, something striking him. It was the first time he’d heard his boyfriend say that they’ll be okay with conviction. Finally he looked towards the therapist. “He’s getting better, isn’t he? Did I set him back by falling apart?” He’d never forgive himself if he did.

“It’s slow progress, but he’s improving. And if anything, being able to help you did him good.” Daria leaned forward. “While I’m almost as happy for him as you are, he’s not the one sitting in front of me right now, needing me. So for this upcoming hour we’ll focus only on you. Not as Magnus’ partner, but as yourself. Do you think you’re ready to handle that now?” They both knew that he wasn’t before.

Alec thought for a long time, then nodded.

It was far harder than any session they’d had before. Because this time Alec wasn’t the one asking questions, Daria was. And they were difficult ones, as were the emotions they provoked. When it ended Alec felt exhausted but in some bizarre way lighter.

Magnus was there when he stepped to the waiting area. The older man didn’t ask a thing, just took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Alec held back gratefully. Instead of taking a cab they walked home in a companionable silence. Together. 

/

Another step to recovery was looking like himself again. One miserable, rainy morning Magnus decided to try cheering himself up. Before he realized properly what he was doing he’d styled his hair, which pointed upwards like a declaration of war against anyone who dared to wrong him. He was pleased to discover that he liked it again.

Inspired, he pulled out his makeup bag for the first time in... he’d actually lost count on how long. (When did he stop counting the days and weeks passing from his attack?) It wasn’t until he held a mascara what he planned on doing struck him. And froze him.

He could’ve put the bag away and given up. Instead he invited help. Izzy was equal parts eager and hesitant. “Are you ready?” she inquired while fishing out an eyeliner.

Magnus snorted. There was nothing bitter to the sound. “I don’t have a clue. But let’s get it done, anyway.”

Izzy wasn’t satisfied. She breathed in deep. “Magnus... I’ve never been through anything even close to what you did. But I’ve received a lot of unwanted attention. And I’m telling you now what I tell myself every time some creep does or says something I hate.” Her eyes hardened but not with hostility. “No matter how I choose to do my makeup and what I decide to wear, they have no right to treat me like that. And I have every right to be myself.”

Magnus listened to those words and willed them to sink in.

“Are you ready now?” One elegant eyebrow rose. “For real?”

Magnus nodded, and this time he meant it.

They got started. Gentle and precise, Izzy worked on his eyes. Meticulously bringing to life bits and pieces of the person Magnus used to be.

“You’re probably way better at this than I am. But maybe I did a satisfactory job, anyway.” One supportive hand landed on his shoulder while she gave him a pocket mirror. “Take a look when you’re ready. There’s no rush.”

At least a full minute passed by before Magnus finally found the courage to lift the item. What he found... He didn’t know why it got to him the way it did.

There was nowhere near as much makeup on his face as he used to wear. But the ultra-light version of smokey eyes was impossible to miss. He anticipated nausea or at least a degree of self-consciousness. In the end he only experienced pleasure. Tears burned behind his eyes but didn’t spill.

He finally recognized himself again.

If Izzy noticed his internal turmoil, she hid it well. “So... I take it you approve?”

Magnus nodded and placed his larger hand on hers to give it a squeeze. “How could I not? It’s perfect.”

/

An hour later Alec received a message from Izzy. Along with a picture of Magnus drinking coffee at some café, with his makeup on. ‘_I got myself a hot date._’

Seeing Magnus outside their home... Looking comfortable and like himself... It did Alec more good than any amount of therapy ever could.

“I like seeing that”, Luke commented while passing by his desk. “Your dopey smile. Not you using your personal phone during work-hours.”

Alec’s grin widened still.

/

A couple of more days had passed by before Clary finally gave her own statement. Valentine and Jonathan’s lawyer did everything they could to keep her from testifying. She was beyond relieved when she finally got her chance, even if it was the hardest thing she’d ever done.

Jonathan definitely didn’t make it easier on her. He called out to her in despair when she was about to leave the courtroom. “Clary! Clary, please...!”

Clary looked at him, grief and pity in her eyes. “You’re my brother, and a tiny part of me will always love you. But what you did to me, Magnus and who knows how many others... It was criminal. Unforgivable. And I don’t want to ever see you again.” With that she walked away, hardening her heart against the utter heartbreak on Jonathan’s face.

What she didn’t notice was that Valentine moved to follow her. He was stopped by Andrew and Aline blocking his path. “Mr. Morgenstern, you’ve been a tough man to find.” Aline’s eyes flashed. “Let’s go somewhere private. We have a few questions about the money you’ve offered to pay most of Jonathan’s victims in exchange for their silence.”

Outside the courtroom Clary shivered from surprise when she found three people waiting for her. After such a day Magnus’ hug and whisper that he was proud of her were just what she needed. She came close to breaking down to tears when Luke embraced her as well, reminding her of how much he loved her. In Jace’s arms she finally let the tears come.

Jace held her and caressed her hair. He didn’t tell her that he loved her and was proud of her. He didn’t need to for her to feel it. “It’s finally over”, he murmured instead. “Let’s go home.”

A few days later Clary made another bird-painting. This time of a robin flying across the sky, wings spread triumphantly. That artwork, too, would go to Daria’s office when she’d have her next session.

/

By some trick of fate, the day they’d find out whether Jonathan would be deemed guilty or innocent was also the day when Magnus was deemed free of chlamydia. (By then all other STD-tests had already come back as negative.) It was definitely a trigger-day, although Alec and Magnus had decided that they wouldn’t go anywhere near the courthouse. Lydia swore to them that she’d send a message or call as soon as she knew something.

Alec stayed home because even the thought of going to work didn’t sit well with him. It turned out to be a great decision. Magnus’ feelings swung at a dizzying pace while the man tried to function like it was just another day. It all culminated to a crying fit the dancer had after getting so emotionally overwhelmed that he burned their early dinner.

About an hour after the meltdown Magnus was sleeping. Having destroyed all evidence of the failed dinner, Alec decided that he needed a long, calming shower. He’d been there for about fifteen minutes when someone joined him.

Opening his eyes, Alec frowned at his naked boyfriend, who appeared determined and terrified all at once. It wasn’t like he minded the view, it practically made him salivate, but it was... unexpected. “Magnus? What...?” He was interrupted by hungry, desperate lips crashing against his.

Magnus panted when they eventually parted for air. By then they were both soaked. “I... I miss having showers with you. I miss touching you. I miss you touching me. I miss having you inside me.” All that was uttered in a barely comprehensible rush.

Alec missed all that, too. So much that it threatened to drive him insane. When Magnus kissed him again, then started touching some very delicious spots, the younger man didn’t resist it like he probably should’ve. The feel of his beloved’s half-erection pressing against him made his line of vision go white. Sanity flew away.

Until Magnus gasped in a manner that revealed how he’d been holding his breath to not scream and sob. Until it registered that some of the moisture on the smaller man’s face was salty. Until it hit Alec that Magnus wasn’t shaking from pleasure.

Sanity crashing back with a brutal force, Alec halted what they’d been doing as gently as he could. “Magnus, stop. Stop, stop.” If he’d had any doubt whether he was doing the right thing, he had his answer when he saw how lost, agitated and red his boyfriend’s eyes were. He went on so quietly that the shower nearly drowned out his words, too hoarse for anything louder. “I... I’d love to. You know I would.” His eagerness was definitely palpable. “When you’re ready. Not... like this.”

Magnus swallowed hard, shoulders dropping from defeat and humiliation, and closed his eyes. It took torturously long before they opened again. Soon after scarcely audible words followed. “What if I’m like this forever?” The ‘like this’ part was uttered with a heartbreaking amount of bitterness. “What if I’m never ready? You... You deserve better. You need someone who...”

Alec shook his head firmly. “What I need is you. It doesn’t matter what you can or can’t give me. You’re the only one I’ll ever want and need.” He caressed his beloved’s cheek with his thumb. “If we never get... _that_ part of our relationship back, then so be it. I love you, more than anyone, and I don’t want to even imagine my life without you.” A blush crept to his face, and he had to concentrate on not stuttering. “I'm insulted if you imagine that you’re less important to me than an occasional orgasm.”

Magnus’ eyes widened from disbelief. Then, so abruptly that it startled Alec, the man started to laugh hysterically. Powerless to resist, he followed. That was how they remained for a long time. Naked, wet, laughing and sexually frustrated in each other’s arms.

“I can’t believe that Alexander Gideon Lightwood actually just said ‘orgasm’.”

“Shut up.”

They were so worked up by other things that neither man heard the calls and messages they got from Lydia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was some tough recovery! But aaaw, they’re hanging in there for each other. (BEAMS) Now, fingers crossed that Jonathan gets what he freaking deserves...!
> 
> SOOOO... Was that any good, at all? Worth the extra day of waiting? PLEASE, do let me know! Haring from you ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> THE NEXT AND FINAL CHAPTER WILL BE OUT NEXT WEDNESDAY OR SATURDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for this story’s conclusion.
> 
> Take care!


	10. Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes by. Both Magnus and Alec continue to recover. And several big steps are taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, folks! The final chapter. I can’t believe that this is coming to an end!
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! I can’t believe that so many of you have been reading this. (HUGS) I REALLY hope that you’ll consider this a worthy conclusion.
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

“_... where Jonathan Morgenstern was just sentenced to twenty years in prison for several accounts of first-degree rape. Jonathan is the son of an internationally famous businessman and owner of Morgenstern Enterprises Valentine Morgenstern, who faces criminal charges of his own for trying to bribe his son’s victims ..._”

Magnus shuddered when the TV was switched off. “Baby, you’ve watched that eight times already.” Alec sounded worried. “Are you okay?”

Magnus nodded. And meant it. “Jonathan won’t be free for a very long time. Valentine will probably get locked up, too. His company is crashing. And I just... I’m trying to decide how to feel.” At the moment he felt a bit too much.

“Well, I’m happy.” Alec’s eyes flashed and hardened. “They deserve everything that’s coming for them. I hope Jonathan suffers in prison.”

The younger man’s voice had a strained undertone that made Magnus look towards him with a frown. “Alexander? Are you alright?”

Alec seemed eager to brush aside his concerns. But in the end couldn’t muster the will for that. “I can’t stop thinking that if I was there with you that day, then maybe...” The man trailed off.

Magnus stared in disbelief. Then, with effort, found his voice. “Alexander, listen to me.” He pressed both hands gently on his boyfriend’s cheeks. “If Jonathan didn’t attack me, he would’ve chosen someone else. And I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through this.” He went on when they locked eyes. “I know how much you love me. But there’s no way you could watch over me every second. What happened to me wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have stopped it.” He pushed as much conviction as he could to those words. Needed the man he loved to believe them.

Alec leaned their foreheads together. “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”

Magnus shook his head. “I didn’t say it because you needed to hear it, but because I meant it.” He inhaled and exhaled. “None of this was your fault.” He’d repeat that a million times if he had to. “Honestly? I’m not sure I would’ve made it through... _this_ without you.”

“You would’ve.” Alec’s utter sureness was heartwarming. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

Magnus huffed. “Still... I’ll thank my lucky stars for the rest of my life that I have you.”

Alec snorted. Or perhaps chuckled. “That was unbelievably corny.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Nope”, Alec admitted, popping the ‘p’.

They stayed in each other’s arms for a little while longer, until Alec had to go to work. Magnus hummed in amusement when the doorbell rang shortly after his boyfriend’s departure. “Did you forget your keys again? For a detective you’re...” He opened the door and trailed off.

It wasn’t Alec, but Clary. With tears in her eyes. “We did it. It’s over”, she managed. Sounding relieved but also heartbroken. Magnus understood. Jonathan and Valentine were still her family, such as they were. This wasn’t an easy victory.

Knowing that no words would’ve made her feel better, Magnus pulled Clary to a hug. They embraced each other like the world was ending. Then ate far too much ice-cream. It didn’t magically fix everything, but I made the world feel like a better place.

/

Once the trial was over with and even Valentine had been sentenced the couple decided that they needed a vacation. Alec was genuinely shocked when Magnus suggested a cabin in the middle of nowhere. And touched when his boyfriend revealed that he chose it because of Maryse’s story of the Lightwood-family’s trips to that very place when Alec was a kid.

On their third night there Alec smiled upon feeling arms wrap around him from behind. “Hey. I thought you were asleep.”

“I was. And you’re supposed to be sleeping, too. It’s two in the morning.” Magnus kissed his cheek. “What are you doing out here?”

Suddenly Alec felt embarrassed. “I... couldn’t relax, so I came to see the stars.” He tilted his head a little, so that it was leaning against the older man’s. “They look exactly the way I remembered.” After everything that’d happened since he last visited the cabin, it was comforting to learn that not everything had changed.

Magnus emitted an appreciative sound. “They’re beautiful.” A glance to the side revealed that the dancer wasn’t watching the sky. The look in his eyes... It was such Alec hadn’t seen in far too long, since the attack.

Alec’s heart started to beat fast and some very private parts of him reacted instantly. He licked his lips from desire. “Are you... Are you sure?” he rasped.

Magnus nodded firmly while settling slowly and comfortably to his lap. Then kissed him in a way that left no room for further questions. The heat made Alec’s balance break. They giggled when they slumped rather gracelessly to the ground, his arms reaching out instinctively to keep Magnus safe and as steady as possible.

With their next kiss Alec’s hands slipped experimentally under Magnus’ shirt. The smaller man’s shiver was definitely that of pleasure, because it came with a sinful moan. It encouraged Alec to explore further.

He’d known every inch of Magnus for a long time. Now there was new muscle from training sessions with Jace. The whole turmoil had also stolen some of the dancer’s weight. Just before Alec’s mind would’ve gotten stuck on those changes his hyper-sensitive fingers caught something familiar. A birthmark, slightly rougher than the rest of the skin.

This was his Magnus. Giving himself to him fully. Heart, body and soul.

That realization, along with lust and how much he’d missed this, had Alec shaking. Still... “If... If you need to stop...”

“I know”, Magnus murmured. The man’s dark eyes reflected everything he felt. He didn’t think his boyfriend had ever looked more beautiful than in that moment. “I trust you more than anything in this world.” The certainty of his tone threatened to break something inside Alec.

Under the light of the moon and stars they made love for the first time since the attack. It wasn’t exactly the same as before, because they weren’t the same. But it was still perfect. All of it, even the tiny moments of imperfection. The forest floor biting Alec’s skin... The kisses that were a bit too needy... Hands that were a little clumsy because they were so eager... They relished every single second of it.

“I love you”, Alec panted, sweaty and sated, after they’d both reached the highest peak of pleasure.

“I love you, too.” Magnus’ fingers picked something tiny and green. “Especially with spruce needles in your hair.”

/

It took a long time. Frustratingly long for Magnus, Alec could tell. But eventually the dancer was in a good enough mental place to perform again. After everything Jonathan had broken it felt incredibly good to know that the monster hadn’t managed to steal that.

On the evening when winter’s first snow fell on New York the whole gang gathered to watch a very special show. Alec’s heart pounded from nervousness and excitement. He could only imagine how his boyfriend felt behind the stage. Despite how dry his throat was he swallowed when the lights dimmed and it began.

Magnus was one of those ‘larger than life’ personalities Alec had once imagined didn't exist. On stage he was pure magic and fire. Seeing him throw every drop of himself, every cell of his body, into the performance had the detective spellbound. Among other things.

Watching Magnus move effortlessly and ridiculously elegantly... It took Alec’s mind back to the night when they first met. The memory made something inside the younger man shudder pleasantly. 

Once upon a time there was a painfully reserved, joyless young man – still a boy, really – who was dragged to a show much like this one for his twenty-first birthday. He’d been agonizingly deep in the closet since he was fourteen, convinced that revealing his true self would cost him everything. He’d resigned himself to never having what his heart truly desired.

That night, however... Alec’s heart gained a will of its own while his gaze found one particular dancer, and he wasn’t able to look away. How could someone so otherworldly beautiful and flawless be real?

_Everything_ about Alec reacted and he had no hope of focusing on anything else anymore. Each and every atom of him lit to a fire, and he was uncomfortably aware of a tightening in his pants. He wanted to look away but his eyes refused. He wanted to walk out but his body wouldn’t budge. (Besides, how would he have explained his abrupt departure to his family? ‘Sorry I bailed on you for having a humiliating... private problem?’) So he watched helplessly, unable to keep himself from fantasizing of impossible things.

Then the show was over. Somehow Magnus’ eyes succeeded in locating him from the crowd and met his. The younger man’s embarrassingly open, undivided attention was rewarded with a grin that was equal parts cocky, bashful and delighted. From that moment on Alec’s heart wasn’t his own anymore, no matter how hard he fought the instant connection at first.

Just like that other fateful night, Magnus was magically able to spot him from the audience. Their eyes locked. And this time both men grinned.

At his right Jace groaned. “You two are so in love that it’s nauseating.” There wasn’t the slightest trace of malice behind those words.

Alec snorted. Knowing to not be offended. “Like you and Clary would be any better.”

“We’ll never stop arguing about which is the ultimate power-couple. Just...” If he would’ve been able to look away from Magnus, he would’ve seen the tender glance Jace gave him. “Never stop feeling like you do right now. Because I like that look on your face.”

Oh, Alec lost all hope of stopping the moment he first saw Magnus.

/

After the show was over most of the performers headed to some club to celebrate. They understood better than well that Magnus preferred going home to relax with the man he loved. On the spur of the moment they also invited those who’d supported them through the whole nightmare. It wasn’t a fancy occasion, just cake and alcohol-free bubbly. And it was perfect.

“Alec and I... We’re grateful beyond words for all the support you’ve given us.” Magnus let his gaze scan through the room. It was baffling how many people there were around him, after he spent such a long time all alone. “Thank you, for being there for us.”

“There’s no need to thank us.” Maryse wiped her eyes swiftly but it didn’t go unnoticed. “That’s what families are for.”

Leaning against Alec when his boyfriend wrapped an arm around him, Magnus decided that he quite liked this concept of having a family.

While Magnus had made a lot of progress, there were still moments when he needed to step aside and catch his breath during social gatherings. Doing his best to be uncharacteristically subtle, he eventually retreated to the apartment’s balcony. The cool night-air eased his mind and lungs, helped ground him while he stood barefooted on a thin layer of snow.

“While you look absolutely amazing right now... I don’t want you to get sick.” It was solid proof of how much recovering had happened that Alec’s voice didn’t startle Magnus. And the arms wrapping around him didn’t make him tense up. “This has been a pretty perfect day.”

Magnus couldn’t have agreed more. “Hmm.” He then arched an eyebrow, noticing the way his boyfriend coaxed him to move. “What... are you doing?”

Alec’s brows furrowed. “We’re dancing, of course. And I’m leading.” Was that a blush on the detective’s cheeks? “I want to dance with you, too, after watching you on that stage.”

Magnus couldn’t help being touched by that. Even if his beloved’s two left feet scared him. “Lead the way, then. But try to stay off my toes.”

Alec almost stomped on them thrice. But Magnus didn’t complain. Because the two of them swaying safe in each other’s arms, snow in their hair... It was like a dream come true.

Alec seemed to think so, too. “I... There’s... What mom said about family... I’ve been... considering something, and... Maybe... Maybe it’s the right time.” The detective stopped rambling with visible effort and they met each other’s eyes. “You... You’re not just the love of my life, Magnus. You’re the only one I’ll ever fall in love with. And... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. For better, for worse, I mean, we’ve seen it all.” The taller man groaned and shook his head. “Damn it, I had a full speech planned, and now I’m a rambling mess...!” Alec went on before Magnus could point out that he found the babbling incredibly endearing. “Will you marry me?”

The whole world spun in front of Magnus’ eyes. In the best way. “Only if you’ll marry me, too”, he managed with difficulty through the lump in his throat. He caressed his new fiancé’s face with one hand. “I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you.”

The kiss they exchanged was quite possibly the best one they’d ever had.

“Now, as unbelievably romantic as this is... My feet are freezing.” Magnus nuzzled his head against the man who was his world. “We should go inside and let everyone know that this is now an engagement party.”

Later that night, when it was just the two of them, Alec slipped a ring on his finger. It was made of some beyond rare black metal, and two white-gold patterns that looked like flames tangled together decorated it. Magnus didn’t dare to even imagine how expensive it was. It was gorgeous. “You never cease to amaze me, Alexander”, he squeezed out.

“In good ways, I hope.”

The kiss Magnus gifted him with said everything necessary. Almost. “In the best ways.”

They stayed close to each other after parting. And smiled in a way they once imagined they’d never get back. Jonathan hadn’t stolen that, either. They won.

/

One day after the three-year-anniversary of his attack Magnus sat down slowly. Then took a deep, shuddering breath, bracing himself. And opened a very special phone line. “National Sexual Assault Hotline. This is volunteer Magnus joining in.”

It took over two and a half years before he was ready for this. But in the end he decided that if he could be any help, for anyone... Then he’d try his best. For his own sake and others’. At first Alec’s concern was palpable, but his beloved was nothing short of supportive. It wasn’t until recently the detective seemed to have relaxed a little, seeing how much good being able to help did to him.

He'd never be the way he used to be. But his life was still amazing. He wanted others to have that same hope.

“_Good morning, Magnus_”, a cheery, motherly female voice greeted him. “_I have a sixteen-year-old Will on the line. Can I patch him through?_”

Magnus played with the ring Alec slipped on his finger and breathed again. This inhale came easily. “Go ahead. Let’s see what I can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is how we wrap up. (sniffles) Aaaaw, Magnus seems to be doing quite well, now. And congrats on your engagement, Malec!
> 
> Soooo... Was that a worthy closure? Thoughts, comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS means the world to me.
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for taking this emotional journey with me and our babies! I’m thrilled that you’ve all been sticking around. (HUGS) Who knows, maybe I’ll see you again?
> 
> Take care, of yourselves and all the Magnuses and Alecs out there!

**Author's Note:**

> Who else hates victim shaming? (growls) Poor Magnus! And Alec, too! Recovering from this is going to be SO ROUGH. (sighs)
> 
> Sooo... Thoughts? Comments? Would you like to read more? PLEASE, let me hear from you! Starting a new story is always nerve-wrecking, so all comments mean the world to me.
> 
> In any case, thank you so much for reading this! Who knows. Maybe I’ll see you around again?
> 
> Take care!


End file.
